Last Night before lying down for sleep I got a weird sensation. My hand had pressed up against my chest. It was sore at the tip. I was like "oh my god!" It was expected, I didn't expect it this soon though. I was on a half dose of hormones for a month. After receiving permission from my doctors I I went up to a full dose of hormones. It'll be two weeks that I have been on a half dose today.

The reason I am like "oh my god" is because this slight soreness means breast growth will probably be starting soon ^_^. I am always looking for what changes will occur.

When starting HRT, I felt things would take months to just get started. However, I think little bits here and there will come to my attention more sooner than later. To be honest, I am just taking everything in and enjoying the ride. ^_^

-Nikki

Come out part 2

Now that I have come out to my mother I would like to have a discussion about transition and what it means to me. I need to express that I am on hormones. There is a need for me to discuss what I have done over the past year. She is not aware of me going to NYC to trans support groups.

Informing my mother that I am on hormones feels almost like a second coming out. Sure I came out, but I don't think it will settle in until it is known that I've already begun to take the first steps to transition. Surely there is much to be discussed. In fact, since my coming out nothing has been discussed at all.

I decided to come out around the holiday season because people can be a bit more light hearted and caught up in the holiday spirit. Another reason, in which I think is pretty cool, is to make sure I don't get any "man" items for Christmas. ^_^

A Bit Further Out

Big news everyone. I came out to my mother. Tuesday afternoon I had a Callen Lorde appointment in the city. It would so hard for me to come out face to face, so instead I did it in the form of a letter. I left it in to the dining room table and left the house.

On the train to the city I received a call on my cell phone. Its my mother. I am frightened to death. In my thoughts, I begin thinking "Did I make a mistake? Oh my god why did I tell her? I didn't think she would read it this quickly!" Terrified, I ignored the call. My mother however did leave a message. I was reluctant at first, but decide to hear it out. I nearly cried to what I had heard. My mother had said that everything was ok. She knew for a long time that something was up with me and the possibility of me being transgender. Mom says that she was just waiting for me to come out. I couldn't believe it. I was truly lucky. Many trans folk are turned away and/or disowned. I am one of the lucky few that is excepted. We still haven't spoken face to face yet. She works nights so I'll see what happens. Yay I am out to my mom. ^_^

On a side note I received my blood work results from two weeks ago. Everything was fine. I was given the ok to move up to the full dose of hormones. I'll see how my body handles it. If I feel that it is to much to soon, I'll inform the doctors and readjust the HRT prescription. However, I began taking the full dose to day. I'll let everyone know how it feels as time goes on.

-Nikki

No escape

You know how they say you can never escape your trans issues. Well, for some reason I was emotionally rocked at work. The store was very busy and hectic. A customer had come to me wishing to speak to the store manager. I made the request and in waiting I asked was there any major concern to be had. The customer complained how filthy the mens lavatory was. In all fairness, he was right. It was just disgusting in there.

The store manager finally arrives to have a word with the disgruntled customer. I'm not sure what happened, when the manager came back, (they both went to go check the bathroom out)he was upset and at the customer no less. Well to cut to the point, the CSM (Customer Service Manager) came to me saying that Derick and I have to clean the male bathroom. "What?! Why!? How come!?", I asked while very disappointed. She said, "Because your the only two MALES here." Don't get me wrong. I'm not out at work, but this struck my heart in such a painful way. On top of that, they where about to make me clean the bathroom. To bring the story up to speed, I found the housekeeper and informed him of the situation. However, for the rest of the night I was so upset. There where time I almost knew I was going to cry.

The whole thing is, I was referred to as male. It nearly crushed me. It's funny (actually, it isn't), I am starting to realize how bad my trans issues are. As I transition not only physically but mentally I discover more and more the depth of my trans status.

A Day of Rememberance

Today is Transgender Day of Rememberance. We look back at those that have fallen, to those have been slain. In looking back, we remember. We remember the lives lives these people have lived and the lives that were taken away.

When I look around at the transgender community, I see great promise and advancement. However, on a day like today, I can see that we have so much further that we have to go.

I hope and dream that one day we won't have to look back on the passing year, counting the many unwarranted acts of violence on the transgender community.


Please click the link and view this beautiful video on youtube in honor of Transgender Day of Remembrance.

We Remember.

Went shopping! ^_^

This actually wasn't a huge deal, but I had never had a real experience browsing and shopping for women's clothing. It can be nerve racking when you have never really, really shopped before. You feel so self conscious, always wondering who is going to stare or make funny faces at you.

I started my shopping venture at TJmaxx. It kinda sucked. I go in and I see just mostly women in the store. For the space that was provided there was a lot of people inside. The thing about the store is that there is a men's women's and children sections. The women's section is for the wives and the like to shop for themselves. Sections like the men's and children's are for wives and the like to shop for their significant others. I did not feel comfortable at all in there and I could not loosen up. People will look at like "what is this dude doing here".

Leaving the store and and going off into my car, I venture to find another place to explore my shopping ways. I'm driving around and I find a Kmart. I was like "kick ass". Going in I saw the store was not heavily populated. In fact, it was actually dead. This was great. I needed to go into a store and just try things on. It took me awhile, but I got my bearings and browsed heavily.

I walked out with quite a few items and with great relief. Having a feeling of success I can't help but feel happy. I ended up having a pretty good Veterans Day. ^_^

-Nikki

Lets get happy ^_^

Digs and claws
Through the mounds of drama and despair
Searching for an answer unknown to me
Driven to elude my anguish
Fueled by passion for self fulfillment
I walk through to darken lonely tunnel
To be embraced by the light on the opposite end
When I am there
I will bath in its essence
And will truly...
Be happy


-Nikki

Yay!

I've got it! My first hormone prescription was obtained today. My doctor saw me and spoke upon what the next 4 to 6 weeks will consist of. Future blood work will be taken in 4 weeks and my dose should increase (if all is well) in 6 weeks. I started taking them today. I was nervous when I took the estrogen and anti-androgen for the first time, but it was liberating to not let this huge needed step scare me off. So I'll see what happens over the next month.

Oh yeah Halloween is this Friday. I don't know what I am going to do. I may try to do something local, but I may go to the city. Tomorrow I think I am going to the trans support group in the city and celebrate with my trans sisters.

I thank you Alan and Lori for your for your best wishes on my past blog. ^_^

-Nikki

Tomorrow is the day

I have a 3pm appointment with Dr. Swartz tomorrow. Hopefully I will receive clearance to begin HRT. Everyday has been just a count down to tomorrow. Its a big step. Its one that I cannot see avoiding. At this point in my life mentally and emotionally I dare to travel this road I'm on. This is one journey beginning of many as I live and experience life. I do not expect anything to get easier, not in the least. I seek what all trans folk seek, self fulfillment. I will update on my appointment as soon as possible. I'll cross my fingers. ^_^

-Nikki

A little down

Yesterday I was about to go out for the evening for my trannie outing in the city. Before I had left my mother had caught a glimpse of my outfit. I was wearing my hair in a French pony tail, capris and fishnet thigh highs underneath. She asked, "Why are you wearing that?" I just responded by saying"just because." She followed me to the mud room. I told her I would see her later. There was a pause, eventually I asked her, "What?" after she was standing there staring at me (that's friggin rude). She says, "did you remember to get the mail?" I admitted to her that I had simply forgot. My mother then pulled a mommy dearest on me and went off needlessly. "Your getting to old for me to remind you to get the mail. You're a MAN! You're a MAN! You're a MAN!" I actually felt my heart crack and break in two and the only thing I could think of was, "what a vindictive bitch." I got the mail and got the hell out of there with shattered pieces of my heart.

The rest of the night I was so quite. I didn't say a thing in the support group I attended for the feminine spectrum for transfolk. Later that night, we all want out to dinner. I couldn't get a word out. There were times I have gotten choked up. I cannot believe I allowed my mother's words to effect me the way that they did. I believe that she had said those things earlier to pick at me. That is so retarded since I am the only child of hers' that stands by her.

The people around me were able to hone into my saddened status. I was able to talk and open up. I never spoke about what was bothering me, but I was feeling better non the less. For future reference I am going to have to confront my mother. She had hurt and effected me in a way I hadn't experienced in a long time. One way or another her voice echoing "YOU'RE A MAN" has got to stop. I can't take it.

Thank you for reading. ^_^

-Nikki

On my way

I went to Callen-Lorde today. Its a health clinic in NYC. They have great services for those who are transgender. I had to see one of their social workers. Its a requirement for those who want to begin HRT, for example me. The session only lasted about twenty minutes :p. Now I await my October 28th appointment. By the end of this month I should be on hormones. Is it not freaky that I begin transition in the month where Halloween rains supreme. I love Halloween. ^_^

-Nikki

Labels or Social Identities

Growing up I never embraced labels or social identities. Now I know what some of you are thinking, "Nikki, hunny, of course you never embraced labels and identities growing up. Your trans!" However, not only do I not embrace labels and the like, I don't even recognize how they could've related to me. Once I hit junior year of high school, I dressed as I felt like. I was wearing arm warmers and fishnets all the way to my upper arms. There wasn't a day I didn't like to go without nail polish or lipstick. Never once did I stop to self examine myself. I traveled where my spirit wanted to. That was probably because it never found it's place of belonging and/or fulfillment.

My subconscious has lead me to trans issues in some very funny ways. I actually liked lesbian material before I started to realize what transgender was or even researched it. I would see lesbian and trans characters on television or film and would totally relate to them. I loved Shane's character on The L Word. She was just an androgynous bad ass and I loved her for it. Doors really started to blow open for me when I watched the Japanese anime Kashimashi. Not only did the show deal with gender, but it also dealt with lesbianism in addition. The main character, Hazumu, was a boy that became a girl and the show revolving around the love triangle that she is involved in. During the and after the show I was like "I am totally that girl!" (Only I could never be as fickle as her :p. If you don't know what I am talking about, check out the show ^_^.)

Then I would hit up youtube. I remember the two first vlogs I would check out. It was Erin's (Grishno) and Aire's. Their vlogs were chalk full of information and personal experiences. As I tune into even more vlogs I would being to relate all of this information to myself. This is where I have done a lot of soul searching and fully realize who I am.

"Wow", as I thought to myself. "This is what was up with me." All this time and I finally piece together the pieces of my puzzle. Transgender maybe looked down upon by society, but it suits me just fine. I am trans and am glad that I have that to embrace.

-Nikki

Erin's (Grishno) Channel

Aire's Channel

Nature Vs Nurture

On youtube I have seen a few vlogs that discusses the subject nature vs nurture and how it relates to the trans community. I am so happy and proud to see that Sarah and Taryn reject this theory and I must say, I do as well.

Nature vs Nurture makes trans people out to be an environmental error and usually we are graded based upon society's empty values. Where is the pride in that? How can we bring validity in ourselves when our existents is tagged as a miss happening. I'm sure that trans people in the past had used this to displace the blame off of themselves and onto a disease. I respect and understand that as well to great extent. However, I am filled with so much pride and joy to be coming along at a time where trans people choose a position of strength rather then a rely on a mental disease to aid their existence on this world.

The world is cruel and unfair. Today I feel that trans people are growing stronger in heart and spirit. Dismissing nature vs nurture means that we take responsibility for who we are. Its means that we have to stand tall and possibly becoming more open to society's criticisms. However, I am sure that there is a self fulfillment that makes it all worth it.

Anyway, here is links to Sarah and and Taryn's youtube vids. They are just awesome and they helped in me deciding on writing this entry. ^_^

Taryn's vid

Sarah's three part vids

-Nicky ^_^

I need respect, not understanding.....as much

There are thousands of different kinds of people in this world. Thousands of temperaments, personalities and cultural backgrounds. I think its fair to say that we all have our different points of view in life. While this may open opportunities to grow and learn from one another, it can be difficult to fully understand people that are different from us. A lot of times people do not except one another due to a lack of understanding of each other.

Do we really need to understand to except? I remember coming out to my friend explaining I was trans and he excepted me not because he understood me, but because he respected me. Oh yeah, respect. Something that people really lack for one another. That's what kills me about people are not very knowledgeable or ignorant. It doesn't come as a shock that ignorant people lack the mental capacity to understand others. When you add up that these people don't respect those they don't understand they often times will choose not to see you as human.

This what bugs me about these kinds of people. They believe that without there perfect understanding of you that you don't have the right to be seen as a person with dignity and pride. I don't know about other people, but I cannot allow these people to belittle me. Ignorant people can't fathom the limitations of the bi-gender world that we live in. They can't even understand how secluded they are in their in-closed world. I will NOT allow such people to verify my existence due to their lack of understanding. This is especially true when they have a complete lack of respect for me. I hope that people keep this in mind when they are judged or belittled because most of the time the one handing out garbage feels just as judged and belittled inside.


-Nicky