Thursday, October 16, 2008

A little down

Yesterday I was about to go out for the evening for my trannie outing in the city. Before I had left my mother had caught a glimpse of my outfit. I was wearing my hair in a French pony tail, capris and fishnet thigh highs underneath. She asked, "Why are you wearing that?" I just responded by saying"just because." She followed me to the mud room. I told her I would see her later. There was a pause, eventually I asked her, "What?" after she was standing there staring at me (that's friggin rude). She says, "did you remember to get the mail?" I admitted to her that I had simply forgot. My mother then pulled a mommy dearest on me and went off needlessly. "Your getting to old for me to remind you to get the mail. You're a MAN! You're a MAN! You're a MAN!" I actually felt my heart crack and break in two and the only thing I could think of was, "what a vindictive bitch." I got the mail and got the hell out of there with shattered pieces of my heart.

The rest of the night I was so quite. I didn't say a thing in the support group I attended for the feminine spectrum for transfolk. Later that night, we all want out to dinner. I couldn't get a word out. There were times I have gotten choked up. I cannot believe I allowed my mother's words to effect me the way that they did. I believe that she had said those things earlier to pick at me. That is so retarded since I am the only child of hers' that stands by her.

The people around me were able to hone into my saddened status. I was able to talk and open up. I never spoke about what was bothering me, but I was feeling better non the less. For future reference I am going to have to confront my mother. She had hurt and effected me in a way I hadn't experienced in a long time. One way or another her voice echoing "YOU'RE A MAN" has got to stop. I can't take it.

Thank you for reading. ^_^



alan said...

While not going through the same things you are, I've been through countless rounds with my mother in my 52 years; I have yet to win a single one.

My earliest memory is in 1958 when she miscarried and took me into the bathroom to show me and tell me it was all my fault...I wasn't yet 3...

I actually call her Mommy Dearest to my wife in conversation, of course being told to stop before I say it in front of someone else in the family.

She tried to have conditions written into my father's will after he had died; she threatened to sue me for custody of my sons; she's told me my father wasn't my father; she's tried to seduce me...the list is endless.

Yes, you need to confront her! I hope she actually listens and understands when you do! But if she doesn't, please find a way to loosen yourself from her power to hurt you because if you don't you'll end up with a lot of things inside you that you don't deserve or need!

I finally wrote a bit of what mine had put me through on my blog for the first time last weekend, though only relating to the death of my Dad. I had always avoided it, partly out of denial I think (not wanting to admit that she was really the way she is), partly because there's a chance someone in my family will read it, partly because I still somehow feel that, like she's always told me, it's all my fault.

I was amazed at the kindness of some of the replies.

You are such a beautiful soul, dear Nikki; please don't allow her to saddle you with baggage that will haunt you at 52 like the stuff I'm carrying!

Please don't be afraid to talk to those around you! Please don't be afraid to speak! My e-mail is on my profile should you ever want to use it.

Please don't give her the power to break your beautiful and wonderful heart!


Nikki said...

Wow Alan. I thank you so much for your insight. I will not take your post for granted at all. Thank you for your thoughtful words. ^_^

alan said...

I've been trying to figure out for a couple of days if I should apologize for laying all this out there like I did...I wasn't trying to make things harder on you than they already are...

Please forgive me if I did?


Nikki said...

Don't be silly. Your response was find. Don't even worry about it. ^_^

Lori D said...

Oh Nikki, I missed this blog, and it saddened me a lot to read it too. I know that feeling that you felt, though it came from my brother. Regardless, it hurts, and you have to let this go somehow without allowing the pain to destroy the beauty within you.

Enough of my preaching, you'll figure out what to do in good time. Blessings,