Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but life sometimes demands more of your attention. Lately I have been pondering coming out to my father. He lives in North Carolina, so there is no way that he knows I live full time as a woman. I speak to him every week, but I am not comfortable speaking to him about my gender identity over the phone. I have made up my mind to write a letter and send it instead. The letter I wrote is the one I would like to share on this blog. Let me know what you think.
Dear Father,
Over the last few years, you and I have been able to build a relationship that is stronger then ever. As time goes on, I would like to maintain our relationship and even make it stronger. However, in order to do that I must be completely open and honest with you.
As you know for years I have struggled. I have struggled with myself and the world around me. This world can be hard because it does not open itself to different varieties of people. I had a hard time adjusting to society from childhood into becoming an adult. I could never figure out why I felt so out of place. It wasn’t until I became older that I was able to place the pieces of my life together. I had done much needed research on the internet, spoke with doctors and have been to group therapy for a long time to find out the means to my dilemma.
For a long time I have been unhappy. I could never come to grips why. From depression to self hatred, I felt sad in both mind and body. It has come to a point where I can't go on living a lie and suppressing my feelings. Dad, I love you very much and I feel it is time for me to express this secret that I have been keeping from you for a long time. Dad, I have GID, Gender Identity Disorder. What this mean is that at birth I was assigned male, however, I really have the brain and gender identity of a female. I am what you would call a transgender person. There is much dissatisfaction that I have with the male role and identity. Being in such a role causes me great pain and suffering both socially and as an individual. Never have I liked being a man. It is so heart breaking. When I was trying to be a "manly man", my trans issues would hit me twice as hard. I am writing this because this is an issue that must be handled delicately. Coming out in a letter can give you and me the space that we need, so that way we can come together with clear and calm attitudes in mind.
I have had great experiences becoming socially integrated into the transgender community. For me, befriending and getting to know other trans women has been so heart warming for me. I have been going to the city now for over a year now. Doing so has been the most wonderful thing I have ever done.
Please father, I beg you not to be disappointed in me. What I have gone through in the past and what I am going through now is nobody’s fault. I am not transgender because I lacked a male role model. There was nothing wrong with the way I was brought up. I was born with a condition that took years to come to terms with and understand.
I hope in communicating this issue to you that we can become closer and not distant. In writing this I wish for our love to grow stronger and not fade away. Understand that I must self actualize the woman that I am inside. I am sure that if you search your feelings you would not be too surprised as to what I am communicating to you.
Coming out is so very hard for me. However, no matter how difficult it may be on me, I am sure it is just mind boggling for you. When I came into this world there was already a set mind set as to how I would be a boy that would develop into a man and all of the strict gender guidelines that follow suit. It is very understandable how this coming out may upset you and/or even anger you. I know that in time to come we will have meaningful discussion searching both of our feeling and having a greater understanding of one another.
Dad I love you. I care for you. There is no way in the world I am writing this to you to hurt you. You are my daddy and wish that you always will be. I know that I am not the man you wanted me to be, but I hope I am a child you can be proud of.
With all my love,
-Nikki
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A Clean slate for a new begining
Everyone in some form or another comes from a dysfunctional family. However, it is important that everyone keeps their priorities straight and not allow relationships to fizzle out and fade away.
I have a little sister. Throughout adolescence going into early adult hood, we had suffer from not being a close family. There was a huge separation between my mother, sister and I. It was not until my sister had a baby that we would start to come together. At the time of us coming together, the holidays were upon us. This was great because it had made a great catalyst for us to come together. While everything seemed to have gone smoothly my mother and sister had a falling out. This was right after Christmas. My mother was the one to set it off. The thing is about mom, she can be really head strong and quite stubborn. She hardly knows how to lay off. My sister had enough of my mother. What completely sucked was that my mom was the one to bring us together. She wanted to she the baby and be "grandma". I figured that I could that get closer to my sister and my nephew (he is adorable). I live with my mom, so when the fall out happened, I felt the bridge between my sister and I had collapsed.
Over the months I may have seen my sister in a store and I would walk completely past her. I was so afraid to speak to her. My sister and I have had a rocky relationship in the past and believe it or not I only speak with a few members of my family. Today I see my sister walk in up to the customer service desk with her boyfriend and child at work. Once again, I had not acknowledged her existence. I was due for a break, so I went. The entire time I felt like a coward and an awful older sibling. "I should talk to her and see what happens" is what I'm thinking to myself. When my break was over I saw my sister. She saw me and in return rolled her eyes. I don't blame her. I have ignored her and she probably thought I had taken mom's side in their argument. No matter what, I thought to myself, I have to speak to my sister. I went up to her and offered my most sincere and deepest apologies. I explained that I had not spoken or had even said hi to her out of fear of rejection. Once I got her attention, she was more than willing to hear what I had to say. Let me tell all of you out there, I nearly cried. To much time had past by with us not speaking and all for stupid reasons. I was kissing and holding my beautiful nephew. He is so cute and sweet and I want my sister and him in my life. I told my sister that.
She is going to Florida for a week for vacation. However, I have her number. When she comes back she will hear from me. I am writing this because we can not hold stupid and illogical grudges against one another. We miss out on to much and have too far little experiences. I do not want to live with regrets. If I can be open minded to change my gender, I can most certainly dust off old relationships and build a better future.
-Nikki
I have a little sister. Throughout adolescence going into early adult hood, we had suffer from not being a close family. There was a huge separation between my mother, sister and I. It was not until my sister had a baby that we would start to come together. At the time of us coming together, the holidays were upon us. This was great because it had made a great catalyst for us to come together. While everything seemed to have gone smoothly my mother and sister had a falling out. This was right after Christmas. My mother was the one to set it off. The thing is about mom, she can be really head strong and quite stubborn. She hardly knows how to lay off. My sister had enough of my mother. What completely sucked was that my mom was the one to bring us together. She wanted to she the baby and be "grandma". I figured that I could that get closer to my sister and my nephew (he is adorable). I live with my mom, so when the fall out happened, I felt the bridge between my sister and I had collapsed.
Over the months I may have seen my sister in a store and I would walk completely past her. I was so afraid to speak to her. My sister and I have had a rocky relationship in the past and believe it or not I only speak with a few members of my family. Today I see my sister walk in up to the customer service desk with her boyfriend and child at work. Once again, I had not acknowledged her existence. I was due for a break, so I went. The entire time I felt like a coward and an awful older sibling. "I should talk to her and see what happens" is what I'm thinking to myself. When my break was over I saw my sister. She saw me and in return rolled her eyes. I don't blame her. I have ignored her and she probably thought I had taken mom's side in their argument. No matter what, I thought to myself, I have to speak to my sister. I went up to her and offered my most sincere and deepest apologies. I explained that I had not spoken or had even said hi to her out of fear of rejection. Once I got her attention, she was more than willing to hear what I had to say. Let me tell all of you out there, I nearly cried. To much time had past by with us not speaking and all for stupid reasons. I was kissing and holding my beautiful nephew. He is so cute and sweet and I want my sister and him in my life. I told my sister that.
She is going to Florida for a week for vacation. However, I have her number. When she comes back she will hear from me. I am writing this because we can not hold stupid and illogical grudges against one another. We miss out on to much and have too far little experiences. I do not want to live with regrets. If I can be open minded to change my gender, I can most certainly dust off old relationships and build a better future.
-Nikki
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