Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Moving Out

Hey everyone. It would seem that life has different set of plans then I do. Actually, its my mother that has a different plan in mind. She is throwing me out of the house. This is the situation, my mother went into my room and saw that it was a mess. That and she saw the hormones on my desk and receipts of me going to NYC. She was not happy. I have 24 hours to leave. I just have to say I am worried, but I am calm for some stupid reason. In my estimation, the only reason why I think I am not losing my mind because I was already planning to move out... in the Fall. I really feel sorry for my mother for being this stupid. None of her children are going to be in her life. Why bother with her. She disrespects my status as a trans woman, she dominates conversation which makes it very difficult for personal expression and my mother is very close minded. I cannot deal with her any more. I didn't even bother to fight with her. So right now I am looking for cheap rents to help me get by.

I just want to let all of you know that I won't be on a computer for awhile. I will need to get my own computer, however, I don't know how soon I will be able to do this. I just hope that this calmness is not me being naive. I love everyone hear and as soon as I can I will post an update.



Thursday, April 23, 2009

Kinda Scared

Right now I am moving from Walmart to Petsmart. I am looking to become a pet groomer. Its not something I want to do for the rest of my life, but it can be the first step for me to become independent and move out of my mother's house. The relationship is sour between my mother and I and I need to leave. There is much fear that I have. If I don't do well enough for Petsmart to make me a groomer, then I will be screwed.

I start working at my new job tomorrow. My game plan is to pick up as much as I can quickly. I want to have a very impressive performance in the first two weeks of working there. I want to be sent to grooming school as soon as possible and in order to achieve this I must be flawless in the eyes of my employers.

New beginnings can be very scary. However, I will not have fear to deter me from my goals. I have trans friends that are going through all kinds of ordeals right now. Some are getting divorces, others are losing jobs and some do not currently have a job. I have seen that some things are working out for them. I just hope that I can say the same for myself


Friday, April 10, 2009

New Job. Parent Ordeals

For a while I have been working at Walmart. The job came along at a great time. I needed to transition and in doing so I needed the money. Now another opportunity has come alone my way. Years ago I used to work at Petsmart. I was a bather of dogs there. They had an interest in hiring me again. Petsmart needs pet groomers and I felt that I could do well there. I filled out an application online so that I may have a chance in getting the job, of course. The company knows that I was transgender and they have no problem with it. I had already taken my drug test and I'm set to start working there the 24th of this month. Petsmart will have to train me as a bather for a couple of months. If I do well they will send me to school to be trained as a groomer. Its hard to find a job these days, so I'll take an opportunity if its available.

I worked at Macy's to have some pennies in my pocket during school. Walmart was a job that was necessary for me to begin my transition. Now I look to Petsmart to become a groomer to gain access to my independence. I want to move out of my parent's home. My mother hates that I go out with eye make up and dressed as who I am. I absolutely cannot stand how f#ching ignorant my mother is. My mother is a registered nurse for christ sake.

So... I finally heard from my father, who by the way lives in North Carolina. He called and I was on the phone with him for a half hour. It was the worst phone cal of my life. My father was disgusted. He said he that wants to put his foot in my ass. Trust me when I say that I had never heard someone use the "f" word some many times in one phone call before. The man was livid and on top of that he's religious. There is nothing quite like the ingredient of religion to fuel your hate. My dad said that god will hate me and that I will die young, followed by burning in hell. He told me that I am not a woman. "I don't care if you cut your dick off, you are a man," this is all in the words of my father. I don't understand religious people in the least. I write, which is in my opinion, was an expressive, informative, eloquent letter. The man calls me with a heart full of hate and a mouth chalk full of four letter words. Somewhere in the "conversation" dad says that I have to "give my life to god". I honestly do not get this. If life is a gift from god, why in the world would he want it back. That's like me buying someone a Christmas present and then taking the darn thing back.

My father wants me to "straighten up" (what does he think I'm doing, I'm transitioning duh). He will not except me as a woman, his child or what I am going through. So needless to say that I need to make decent money in order to move out and live on my own. Once I move out I can not come back home and there is no running to my father for help. I figure that he will disown me and that I won't want anything to do with my mother. Both of my parent feel that I am a waste of an investment and they should have had better. Becoming a groomer is not a perminant career choice, but it is one that can help me become more independant. Dispite what my father said I feel in many ways blessed. However the coming months will be hard. My father had called my mother (they never talk) and as I came home my mom told me that cannot wear my make up in her house. "You cannot live you life in my house, you need to move out and live it out there". I sure am glad that there are people like her in nursing (blah). Anyways, I'll keep the faith and hopefully with a smile.