Path to Realization

There is a good reason why I started a diary and write write web blogs. I do it so that one day I can look back and understand where it is that I came from. It is important to me and I feel it will be valuable to me in the future.

Many things have happened to me due to me not understanding myself and my circumstances. I had no idea I was trans growing up. Because of that I suffered greatly as a teenager. In high school I was old enough to be daring enough to present myself more loudly. I wore lipstick and makeup, nail polish of all colors and I created my own clothing. It was like as if my subconscious was screaming at me as to who I really am, but it never clicked. My lack of answers and self awareness headed to troubled relationships at home.

My mother had certain gender expectations of me the same as any mother would of any "son". You know the expectations- clean and short hair cut, big and strong. Lets just say that I was a major disappointment. I was constantly questioned about the things I was doing. "You need to get a hair cut! Why do you look like that?" At the time my mother was coming down on me. My grades were slipping and my family was falling apart. School, family and gender issues would spiral me into a depression and I would become suicidal. It took a few years to recover and get use to living life again. I did not finish recovery until I realized and faced my gender issues.

On my path to achieving my associates degree in business I tried to "clean up" my act as far as being gender appropriate is concerned. When you look like an oddity, people might not take you seriously. I didn't want to be misjudged by my professors, so I tried to be a normal boy. I never had this "boy/girl" identity until I actually tried to be one of the two. When I was trying to be society's "boy", it felt so wrong. Not to mention, I did things like wearing fish nets and nail polish all over again. It was like a gender relapse for me. I would discover my true nature in depth with thanks to anime and the internet.

I love many things in this world. Anime and the internet are amongst the many things that I like. I believe I have discussed this once before, but there was this anime on the net that I called Kashimashi. I've seen shoujo ai anime (girl on girl relationships) before, but this one dealt with both gender and sexuality all in one. In short, a boy had become a girl and that girl was in a love triangle with two other girls.The show was twelve episodes long and by the end of the series I was totally enlightened. I was like "That's me! That's me!!!" I couldn't believe it. In using the internet I would investigate the issues of gender. What is gender? What is transgender? How does this all relate to me?

After reading and watching everything on the topic of transgender I looked to the city to get in touch with the community. There is this place on 13th street on 7th ave. The Center brings together the biggest group pf transgender people to come together. The support groups that are hosted there are great. Afterwards, everyone goes out and talk over dinner. Its a fantastic time had by all. I received so much information from everyone.

I have been going to the city now for over a year. Now transitioning, I look to others in different as my needs change. This is an important, precious time right now. Girls usually start puberty in their teens. I'm going through my second puberty in my 20's. This is the time when I come to explore and self actualize the woman that I am. It had taken me such a long time to get to this point. However, I am here, I am alive. For the first time, I can be excited about my life.

-Nikki

The path to hair removal

At this point I need to start to focus on an important area of my transition, facial hair removal. Because of my age. I don't have a lot of hair on my face. However, if the hair is removed (and it will be) there is no doubt that my face will have a cleaner and more feminine appearance.

I have a couple of leads, however, I have not followed up on them yet. There is one guy in New York City who has done laser and electrolysis work with trans people before. He may have even give discounts to trans people. There is also a place up by me. I don't mind going to the city for hair removal because for the most part I go every week.

An important topic when it comes to hair removal is cost. Also, how often do I need to go? If I get laser can I have less frequent sessions than electrolysis? Can I have just two sessions of laser per month? What will my monthly cost be? I will be seeking the answers to my questions relatively soon. Next week, I will be speaking with the gentleman in NYC for a consultation. I can't wait to see what he has to say.

-Nikki

One step closer

Mark your calenders folks. Saturday night I went to work dressed as a woman. I basically wore woman's pants, a hoody and a new necklace that I had just purchased. But no matter how simple the outfit was, my look was still drastically different from before. People had no idea how skinny I actually looked.

That night it had snowed. Business had slowed down to a crawl. Needless to say that it was my lucky night to be dressed to work.

The funny thing is I was stationed with someone to train on register. Since it was so slow we ended up talking. Believe it or not, I had come out to him during the conversation. It was great because he had known someone that was transgender as well.

The next day I wore the same thing. Even though I wore these clothes the night before, it was a totally different sensation now. The storm was over outside and it was a brand new day. People were everywhere. Saturday night was a nice way to start off. However, Sunday and on will be the real test of my inner strength.

Second post of the day!

Ok, I just wanted to spread a little good news. This past week I went to the local mall. I wanted to go to Hot Topic. Usually I don't shop there, but I wanted a necklace/choker to wear. So I walk in and there is 50-75% off all items! What had happened is that Hot Topic is closing in that mall. The mall sucks over all and its getting no business at all. Oh well, it was great for me ^_^. Hot Topic has some pretty expensive stuff inside, its cool stuff, but expensive non the less. The great thing about this store is that you can look and examine anything and feel comfortable. So guess what I did? I bought all the women's clothing and items I wanted. I have bought several shirts and necklaces. It feels so good to treat yourself and save money while doing so. I went back today to get a few more things. I got some great thigh high stockings, make up and these knee high sneakers that are just gorgeous. Hell, I might even go back to save money on make up.

Events like this is so beneficial to my transition. I mean come on, you can never have enough clothing. I am glad that these deals came after the holidays. The holidays are so demanding and you have no time or money to focus on yourself. I am looking forward to increasing my wardrobe while dwindling down on the male wear. ^_^

-Nikki

Reaching for Joy

Reaching out and exploring the trans community was one of the most enlightening things I have ever done. The euphoria I felt being amongst people freeing themselves from society's social limitations just leaves me in awe. For me identifying as trans meant being apart of a community that conservative capitalists wish to keep hidden and locked away. Trans people see the world from a much more broader perspective. Because of this, we are alleviated of the black and white cloak that hinders the vision of the rest of the world. Its funny. People in this world don't even realize how limited their world is.

Happy Holidays

I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday and a happy New Year. ^_^