Yay!

I've got it! My first hormone prescription was obtained today. My doctor saw me and spoke upon what the next 4 to 6 weeks will consist of. Future blood work will be taken in 4 weeks and my dose should increase (if all is well) in 6 weeks. I started taking them today. I was nervous when I took the estrogen and anti-androgen for the first time, but it was liberating to not let this huge needed step scare me off. So I'll see what happens over the next month.

Oh yeah Halloween is this Friday. I don't know what I am going to do. I may try to do something local, but I may go to the city. Tomorrow I think I am going to the trans support group in the city and celebrate with my trans sisters.

I thank you Alan and Lori for your for your best wishes on my past blog. ^_^

-Nikki

Tomorrow is the day

I have a 3pm appointment with Dr. Swartz tomorrow. Hopefully I will receive clearance to begin HRT. Everyday has been just a count down to tomorrow. Its a big step. Its one that I cannot see avoiding. At this point in my life mentally and emotionally I dare to travel this road I'm on. This is one journey beginning of many as I live and experience life. I do not expect anything to get easier, not in the least. I seek what all trans folk seek, self fulfillment. I will update on my appointment as soon as possible. I'll cross my fingers. ^_^

-Nikki

A little down

Yesterday I was about to go out for the evening for my trannie outing in the city. Before I had left my mother had caught a glimpse of my outfit. I was wearing my hair in a French pony tail, capris and fishnet thigh highs underneath. She asked, "Why are you wearing that?" I just responded by saying"just because." She followed me to the mud room. I told her I would see her later. There was a pause, eventually I asked her, "What?" after she was standing there staring at me (that's friggin rude). She says, "did you remember to get the mail?" I admitted to her that I had simply forgot. My mother then pulled a mommy dearest on me and went off needlessly. "Your getting to old for me to remind you to get the mail. You're a MAN! You're a MAN! You're a MAN!" I actually felt my heart crack and break in two and the only thing I could think of was, "what a vindictive bitch." I got the mail and got the hell out of there with shattered pieces of my heart.

The rest of the night I was so quite. I didn't say a thing in the support group I attended for the feminine spectrum for transfolk. Later that night, we all want out to dinner. I couldn't get a word out. There were times I have gotten choked up. I cannot believe I allowed my mother's words to effect me the way that they did. I believe that she had said those things earlier to pick at me. That is so retarded since I am the only child of hers' that stands by her.

The people around me were able to hone into my saddened status. I was able to talk and open up. I never spoke about what was bothering me, but I was feeling better non the less. For future reference I am going to have to confront my mother. She had hurt and effected me in a way I hadn't experienced in a long time. One way or another her voice echoing "YOU'RE A MAN" has got to stop. I can't take it.

Thank you for reading. ^_^

-Nikki

On my way

I went to Callen-Lorde today. Its a health clinic in NYC. They have great services for those who are transgender. I had to see one of their social workers. Its a requirement for those who want to begin HRT, for example me. The session only lasted about twenty minutes :p. Now I await my October 28th appointment. By the end of this month I should be on hormones. Is it not freaky that I begin transition in the month where Halloween rains supreme. I love Halloween. ^_^

-Nikki