Growing up I never embraced labels or social identities. Now I know what some of you are thinking, "Nikki, hunny, of course you never embraced labels and identities growing up. Your trans!" However, not only do I not embrace labels and the like, I don't even recognize how they could've related to me. Once I hit junior year of high school, I dressed as I felt like. I was wearing arm warmers and fishnets all the way to my upper arms. There wasn't a day I didn't like to go without nail polish or lipstick. Never once did I stop to self examine myself. I traveled where my spirit wanted to. That was probably because it never found it's place of belonging and/or fulfillment.
My subconscious has lead me to trans issues in some very funny ways. I actually liked lesbian material before I started to realize what transgender was or even researched it. I would see lesbian and trans characters on television or film and would totally relate to them. I loved Shane's character on The L Word. She was just an androgynous bad ass and I loved her for it. Doors really started to blow open for me when I watched the Japanese anime Kashimashi. Not only did the show deal with gender, but it also dealt with lesbianism in addition. The main character, Hazumu, was a boy that became a girl and the show revolving around the love triangle that she is involved in. During the and after the show I was like "I am totally that girl!" (Only I could never be as fickle as her :p. If you don't know what I am talking about, check out the show ^_^.)
Then I would hit up youtube. I remember the two first vlogs I would check out. It was Erin's (Grishno) and Aire's. Their vlogs were chalk full of information and personal experiences. As I tune into even more vlogs I would being to relate all of this information to myself. This is where I have done a lot of soul searching and fully realize who I am.
"Wow", as I thought to myself. "This is what was up with me." All this time and I finally piece together the pieces of my puzzle. Transgender maybe looked down upon by society, but it suits me just fine. I am trans and am glad that I have that to embrace.
Erin's (Grishno) Channel