Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but life sometimes demands more of your attention. Lately I have been pondering coming out to my father. He lives in North Carolina, so there is no way that he knows I live full time as a woman. I speak to him every week, but I am not comfortable speaking to him about my gender identity over the phone. I have made up my mind to write a letter and send it instead. The letter I wrote is the one I would like to share on this blog. Let me know what you think.
Over the last few years, you and I have been able to build a relationship that is stronger then ever. As time goes on, I would like to maintain our relationship and even make it stronger. However, in order to do that I must be completely open and honest with you.
As you know for years I have struggled. I have struggled with myself and the world around me. This world can be hard because it does not open itself to different varieties of people. I had a hard time adjusting to society from childhood into becoming an adult. I could never figure out why I felt so out of place. It wasn’t until I became older that I was able to place the pieces of my life together. I had done much needed research on the internet, spoke with doctors and have been to group therapy for a long time to find out the means to my dilemma.
For a long time I have been unhappy. I could never come to grips why. From depression to self hatred, I felt sad in both mind and body. It has come to a point where I can't go on living a lie and suppressing my feelings. Dad, I love you very much and I feel it is time for me to express this secret that I have been keeping from you for a long time. Dad, I have GID, Gender Identity Disorder. What this mean is that at birth I was assigned male, however, I really have the brain and gender identity of a female. I am what you would call a transgender person. There is much dissatisfaction that I have with the male role and identity. Being in such a role causes me great pain and suffering both socially and as an individual. Never have I liked being a man. It is so heart breaking. When I was trying to be a "manly man", my trans issues would hit me twice as hard. I am writing this because this is an issue that must be handled delicately. Coming out in a letter can give you and me the space that we need, so that way we can come together with clear and calm attitudes in mind.
I have had great experiences becoming socially integrated into the transgender community. For me, befriending and getting to know other trans women has been so heart warming for me. I have been going to the city now for over a year now. Doing so has been the most wonderful thing I have ever done.
Please father, I beg you not to be disappointed in me. What I have gone through in the past and what I am going through now is nobody’s fault. I am not transgender because I lacked a male role model. There was nothing wrong with the way I was brought up. I was born with a condition that took years to come to terms with and understand.
I hope in communicating this issue to you that we can become closer and not distant. In writing this I wish for our love to grow stronger and not fade away. Understand that I must self actualize the woman that I am inside. I am sure that if you search your feelings you would not be too surprised as to what I am communicating to you.
Coming out is so very hard for me. However, no matter how difficult it may be on me, I am sure it is just mind boggling for you. When I came into this world there was already a set mind set as to how I would be a boy that would develop into a man and all of the strict gender guidelines that follow suit. It is very understandable how this coming out may upset you and/or even anger you. I know that in time to come we will have meaningful discussion searching both of our feeling and having a greater understanding of one another.
Dad I love you. I care for you. There is no way in the world I am writing this to you to hurt you. You are my daddy and wish that you always will be. I know that I am not the man you wanted me to be, but I hope I am a child you can be proud of.
With all my love,