Thursday, January 22, 2009

Path to Realization

There is a good reason why I started a diary and write write web blogs. I do it so that one day I can look back and understand where it is that I came from. It is important to me and I feel it will be valuable to me in the future.

Many things have happened to me due to me not understanding myself and my circumstances. I had no idea I was trans growing up. Because of that I suffered greatly as a teenager. In high school I was old enough to be daring enough to present myself more loudly. I wore lipstick and makeup, nail polish of all colors and I created my own clothing. It was like as if my subconscious was screaming at me as to who I really am, but it never clicked. My lack of answers and self awareness headed to troubled relationships at home.

My mother had certain gender expectations of me the same as any mother would of any "son". You know the expectations- clean and short hair cut, big and strong. Lets just say that I was a major disappointment. I was constantly questioned about the things I was doing. "You need to get a hair cut! Why do you look like that?" At the time my mother was coming down on me. My grades were slipping and my family was falling apart. School, family and gender issues would spiral me into a depression and I would become suicidal. It took a few years to recover and get use to living life again. I did not finish recovery until I realized and faced my gender issues.

On my path to achieving my associates degree in business I tried to "clean up" my act as far as being gender appropriate is concerned. When you look like an oddity, people might not take you seriously. I didn't want to be misjudged by my professors, so I tried to be a normal boy. I never had this "boy/girl" identity until I actually tried to be one of the two. When I was trying to be society's "boy", it felt so wrong. Not to mention, I did things like wearing fish nets and nail polish all over again. It was like a gender relapse for me. I would discover my true nature in depth with thanks to anime and the internet.

I love many things in this world. Anime and the internet are amongst the many things that I like. I believe I have discussed this once before, but there was this anime on the net that I called Kashimashi. I've seen shoujo ai anime (girl on girl relationships) before, but this one dealt with both gender and sexuality all in one. In short, a boy had become a girl and that girl was in a love triangle with two other girls.The show was twelve episodes long and by the end of the series I was totally enlightened. I was like "That's me! That's me!!!" I couldn't believe it. In using the internet I would investigate the issues of gender. What is gender? What is transgender? How does this all relate to me?

After reading and watching everything on the topic of transgender I looked to the city to get in touch with the community. There is this place on 13th street on 7th ave. The Center brings together the biggest group pf transgender people to come together. The support groups that are hosted there are great. Afterwards, everyone goes out and talk over dinner. Its a fantastic time had by all. I received so much information from everyone.

I have been going to the city now for over a year. Now transitioning, I look to others in different as my needs change. This is an important, precious time right now. Girls usually start puberty in their teens. I'm going through my second puberty in my 20's. This is the time when I come to explore and self actualize the woman that I am. It had taken me such a long time to get to this point. However, I am here, I am alive. For the first time, I can be excited about my life.



alan said...

I have tears flowing down my cheeks from reading this, my friend!

I'm so very glad you survived it all...that you didn't "take the easy way out" and that finally, you and happiness have found each other!

I'm so very proud of you and proud to know you!


Nikki said...

Thanks you very much. This has been a long time coming for me. The year 2009 is a year of change for me.

-Nikki ^_^