Growing up I never embraced labels or social identities. Now I know what some of you are thinking, "Nikki, hunny, of course you never embraced labels and identities growing up. Your trans!" However, not only do I not embrace labels and the like, I don't even recognize how they could've related to me. Once I hit junior year of high school, I dressed as I felt like. I was wearing arm warmers and fishnets all the way to my upper arms. There wasn't a day I didn't like to go without nail polish or lipstick. Never once did I stop to self examine myself. I traveled where my spirit wanted to. That was probably because it never found it's place of belonging and/or fulfillment.
My subconscious has lead me to trans issues in some very funny ways. I actually liked lesbian material before I started to realize what transgender was or even researched it. I would see lesbian and trans characters on television or film and would totally relate to them. I loved Shane's character on The L Word. She was just an androgynous bad ass and I loved her for it. Doors really started to blow open for me when I watched the Japanese anime Kashimashi. Not only did the show deal with gender, but it also dealt with lesbianism in addition. The main character, Hazumu, was a boy that became a girl and the show revolving around the love triangle that she is involved in. During the and after the show I was like "I am totally that girl!" (Only I could never be as fickle as her :p. If you don't know what I am talking about, check out the show ^_^.)
Then I would hit up youtube. I remember the two first vlogs I would check out. It was Erin's (Grishno) and Aire's. Their vlogs were chalk full of information and personal experiences. As I tune into even more vlogs I would being to relate all of this information to myself. This is where I have done a lot of soul searching and fully realize who I am.
"Wow", as I thought to myself. "This is what was up with me." All this time and I finally piece together the pieces of my puzzle. Transgender maybe looked down upon by society, but it suits me just fine. I am trans and am glad that I have that to embrace.
-Nikki
Erin's (Grishno) Channel
Aire's Channel
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4 comments:
The older I get the more frustrated I grow as I see people looking for a reason to look down on others...
40 years ago I thought this would all change, and have changed by now!
May you see the world that I probably won't...one where we can all just "Be"!
alan
Its funny. We hate labels because many times people are type casted and other times we need them in order to truly embrace one another. If I didn't have "transgender", I would have nothing. I would be lost. Life is just plan weird.
Though we haven't known each other long, I can't imagine this world without you in it. I'm glad you aren't "lost" and that you have found the strength to do what you need to do to survive in it!
Thank you for being you!
alan
*Gasp*. Thank you so much for the kind words. ^_^
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