Hey everyone. It would seem that life has different set of plans then I do. Actually, its my mother that has a different plan in mind. She is throwing me out of the house. This is the situation, my mother went into my room and saw that it was a mess. That and she saw the hormones on my desk and receipts of me going to NYC. She was not happy. I have 24 hours to leave. I just have to say I am worried, but I am calm for some stupid reason. In my estimation, the only reason why I think I am not losing my mind because I was already planning to move out... in the Fall. I really feel sorry for my mother for being this stupid. None of her children are going to be in her life. Why bother with her. She disrespects my status as a trans woman, she dominates conversation which makes it very difficult for personal expression and my mother is very close minded. I cannot deal with her any more. I didn't even bother to fight with her. So right now I am looking for cheap rents to help me get by.
I just want to let all of you know that I won't be on a computer for awhile. I will need to get my own computer, however, I don't know how soon I will be able to do this. I just hope that this calmness is not me being naive. I love everyone hear and as soon as I can I will post an update.
Love,
-Nikki
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Kinda Scared
Right now I am moving from Walmart to Petsmart. I am looking to become a pet groomer. Its not something I want to do for the rest of my life, but it can be the first step for me to become independent and move out of my mother's house. The relationship is sour between my mother and I and I need to leave. There is much fear that I have. If I don't do well enough for Petsmart to make me a groomer, then I will be screwed.
I start working at my new job tomorrow. My game plan is to pick up as much as I can quickly. I want to have a very impressive performance in the first two weeks of working there. I want to be sent to grooming school as soon as possible and in order to achieve this I must be flawless in the eyes of my employers.
New beginnings can be very scary. However, I will not have fear to deter me from my goals. I have trans friends that are going through all kinds of ordeals right now. Some are getting divorces, others are losing jobs and some do not currently have a job. I have seen that some things are working out for them. I just hope that I can say the same for myself
-Nikki
I start working at my new job tomorrow. My game plan is to pick up as much as I can quickly. I want to have a very impressive performance in the first two weeks of working there. I want to be sent to grooming school as soon as possible and in order to achieve this I must be flawless in the eyes of my employers.
New beginnings can be very scary. However, I will not have fear to deter me from my goals. I have trans friends that are going through all kinds of ordeals right now. Some are getting divorces, others are losing jobs and some do not currently have a job. I have seen that some things are working out for them. I just hope that I can say the same for myself
-Nikki
Friday, April 10, 2009
New Job. Parent Ordeals
For a while I have been working at Walmart. The job came along at a great time. I needed to transition and in doing so I needed the money. Now another opportunity has come alone my way. Years ago I used to work at Petsmart. I was a bather of dogs there. They had an interest in hiring me again. Petsmart needs pet groomers and I felt that I could do well there. I filled out an application online so that I may have a chance in getting the job, of course. The company knows that I was transgender and they have no problem with it. I had already taken my drug test and I'm set to start working there the 24th of this month. Petsmart will have to train me as a bather for a couple of months. If I do well they will send me to school to be trained as a groomer. Its hard to find a job these days, so I'll take an opportunity if its available.
I worked at Macy's to have some pennies in my pocket during school. Walmart was a job that was necessary for me to begin my transition. Now I look to Petsmart to become a groomer to gain access to my independence. I want to move out of my parent's home. My mother hates that I go out with eye make up and dressed as who I am. I absolutely cannot stand how f#ching ignorant my mother is. My mother is a registered nurse for christ sake.
So... I finally heard from my father, who by the way lives in North Carolina. He called and I was on the phone with him for a half hour. It was the worst phone cal of my life. My father was disgusted. He said he that wants to put his foot in my ass. Trust me when I say that I had never heard someone use the "f" word some many times in one phone call before. The man was livid and on top of that he's religious. There is nothing quite like the ingredient of religion to fuel your hate. My dad said that god will hate me and that I will die young, followed by burning in hell. He told me that I am not a woman. "I don't care if you cut your dick off, you are a man," this is all in the words of my father. I don't understand religious people in the least. I write, which is in my opinion, was an expressive, informative, eloquent letter. The man calls me with a heart full of hate and a mouth chalk full of four letter words. Somewhere in the "conversation" dad says that I have to "give my life to god". I honestly do not get this. If life is a gift from god, why in the world would he want it back. That's like me buying someone a Christmas present and then taking the darn thing back.
My father wants me to "straighten up" (what does he think I'm doing, I'm transitioning duh). He will not except me as a woman, his child or what I am going through. So needless to say that I need to make decent money in order to move out and live on my own. Once I move out I can not come back home and there is no running to my father for help. I figure that he will disown me and that I won't want anything to do with my mother. Both of my parent feel that I am a waste of an investment and they should have had better. Becoming a groomer is not a perminant career choice, but it is one that can help me become more independant. Dispite what my father said I feel in many ways blessed. However the coming months will be hard. My father had called my mother (they never talk) and as I came home my mom told me that cannot wear my make up in her house. "You cannot live you life in my house, you need to move out and live it out there". I sure am glad that there are people like her in nursing (blah). Anyways, I'll keep the faith and hopefully with a smile.
-Nikki
I worked at Macy's to have some pennies in my pocket during school. Walmart was a job that was necessary for me to begin my transition. Now I look to Petsmart to become a groomer to gain access to my independence. I want to move out of my parent's home. My mother hates that I go out with eye make up and dressed as who I am. I absolutely cannot stand how f#ching ignorant my mother is. My mother is a registered nurse for christ sake.
So... I finally heard from my father, who by the way lives in North Carolina. He called and I was on the phone with him for a half hour. It was the worst phone cal of my life. My father was disgusted. He said he that wants to put his foot in my ass. Trust me when I say that I had never heard someone use the "f" word some many times in one phone call before. The man was livid and on top of that he's religious. There is nothing quite like the ingredient of religion to fuel your hate. My dad said that god will hate me and that I will die young, followed by burning in hell. He told me that I am not a woman. "I don't care if you cut your dick off, you are a man," this is all in the words of my father. I don't understand religious people in the least. I write, which is in my opinion, was an expressive, informative, eloquent letter. The man calls me with a heart full of hate and a mouth chalk full of four letter words. Somewhere in the "conversation" dad says that I have to "give my life to god". I honestly do not get this. If life is a gift from god, why in the world would he want it back. That's like me buying someone a Christmas present and then taking the darn thing back.
My father wants me to "straighten up" (what does he think I'm doing, I'm transitioning duh). He will not except me as a woman, his child or what I am going through. So needless to say that I need to make decent money in order to move out and live on my own. Once I move out I can not come back home and there is no running to my father for help. I figure that he will disown me and that I won't want anything to do with my mother. Both of my parent feel that I am a waste of an investment and they should have had better. Becoming a groomer is not a perminant career choice, but it is one that can help me become more independant. Dispite what my father said I feel in many ways blessed. However the coming months will be hard. My father had called my mother (they never talk) and as I came home my mom told me that cannot wear my make up in her house. "You cannot live you life in my house, you need to move out and live it out there". I sure am glad that there are people like her in nursing (blah). Anyways, I'll keep the faith and hopefully with a smile.
-Nikki
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Coming out letter to dad
Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but life sometimes demands more of your attention. Lately I have been pondering coming out to my father. He lives in North Carolina, so there is no way that he knows I live full time as a woman. I speak to him every week, but I am not comfortable speaking to him about my gender identity over the phone. I have made up my mind to write a letter and send it instead. The letter I wrote is the one I would like to share on this blog. Let me know what you think.
Dear Father,
Over the last few years, you and I have been able to build a relationship that is stronger then ever. As time goes on, I would like to maintain our relationship and even make it stronger. However, in order to do that I must be completely open and honest with you.
As you know for years I have struggled. I have struggled with myself and the world around me. This world can be hard because it does not open itself to different varieties of people. I had a hard time adjusting to society from childhood into becoming an adult. I could never figure out why I felt so out of place. It wasn’t until I became older that I was able to place the pieces of my life together. I had done much needed research on the internet, spoke with doctors and have been to group therapy for a long time to find out the means to my dilemma.
For a long time I have been unhappy. I could never come to grips why. From depression to self hatred, I felt sad in both mind and body. It has come to a point where I can't go on living a lie and suppressing my feelings. Dad, I love you very much and I feel it is time for me to express this secret that I have been keeping from you for a long time. Dad, I have GID, Gender Identity Disorder. What this mean is that at birth I was assigned male, however, I really have the brain and gender identity of a female. I am what you would call a transgender person. There is much dissatisfaction that I have with the male role and identity. Being in such a role causes me great pain and suffering both socially and as an individual. Never have I liked being a man. It is so heart breaking. When I was trying to be a "manly man", my trans issues would hit me twice as hard. I am writing this because this is an issue that must be handled delicately. Coming out in a letter can give you and me the space that we need, so that way we can come together with clear and calm attitudes in mind.
I have had great experiences becoming socially integrated into the transgender community. For me, befriending and getting to know other trans women has been so heart warming for me. I have been going to the city now for over a year now. Doing so has been the most wonderful thing I have ever done.
Please father, I beg you not to be disappointed in me. What I have gone through in the past and what I am going through now is nobody’s fault. I am not transgender because I lacked a male role model. There was nothing wrong with the way I was brought up. I was born with a condition that took years to come to terms with and understand.
I hope in communicating this issue to you that we can become closer and not distant. In writing this I wish for our love to grow stronger and not fade away. Understand that I must self actualize the woman that I am inside. I am sure that if you search your feelings you would not be too surprised as to what I am communicating to you.
Coming out is so very hard for me. However, no matter how difficult it may be on me, I am sure it is just mind boggling for you. When I came into this world there was already a set mind set as to how I would be a boy that would develop into a man and all of the strict gender guidelines that follow suit. It is very understandable how this coming out may upset you and/or even anger you. I know that in time to come we will have meaningful discussion searching both of our feeling and having a greater understanding of one another.
Dad I love you. I care for you. There is no way in the world I am writing this to you to hurt you. You are my daddy and wish that you always will be. I know that I am not the man you wanted me to be, but I hope I am a child you can be proud of.
With all my love,
-Nikki
Dear Father,
Over the last few years, you and I have been able to build a relationship that is stronger then ever. As time goes on, I would like to maintain our relationship and even make it stronger. However, in order to do that I must be completely open and honest with you.
As you know for years I have struggled. I have struggled with myself and the world around me. This world can be hard because it does not open itself to different varieties of people. I had a hard time adjusting to society from childhood into becoming an adult. I could never figure out why I felt so out of place. It wasn’t until I became older that I was able to place the pieces of my life together. I had done much needed research on the internet, spoke with doctors and have been to group therapy for a long time to find out the means to my dilemma.
For a long time I have been unhappy. I could never come to grips why. From depression to self hatred, I felt sad in both mind and body. It has come to a point where I can't go on living a lie and suppressing my feelings. Dad, I love you very much and I feel it is time for me to express this secret that I have been keeping from you for a long time. Dad, I have GID, Gender Identity Disorder. What this mean is that at birth I was assigned male, however, I really have the brain and gender identity of a female. I am what you would call a transgender person. There is much dissatisfaction that I have with the male role and identity. Being in such a role causes me great pain and suffering both socially and as an individual. Never have I liked being a man. It is so heart breaking. When I was trying to be a "manly man", my trans issues would hit me twice as hard. I am writing this because this is an issue that must be handled delicately. Coming out in a letter can give you and me the space that we need, so that way we can come together with clear and calm attitudes in mind.
I have had great experiences becoming socially integrated into the transgender community. For me, befriending and getting to know other trans women has been so heart warming for me. I have been going to the city now for over a year now. Doing so has been the most wonderful thing I have ever done.
Please father, I beg you not to be disappointed in me. What I have gone through in the past and what I am going through now is nobody’s fault. I am not transgender because I lacked a male role model. There was nothing wrong with the way I was brought up. I was born with a condition that took years to come to terms with and understand.
I hope in communicating this issue to you that we can become closer and not distant. In writing this I wish for our love to grow stronger and not fade away. Understand that I must self actualize the woman that I am inside. I am sure that if you search your feelings you would not be too surprised as to what I am communicating to you.
Coming out is so very hard for me. However, no matter how difficult it may be on me, I am sure it is just mind boggling for you. When I came into this world there was already a set mind set as to how I would be a boy that would develop into a man and all of the strict gender guidelines that follow suit. It is very understandable how this coming out may upset you and/or even anger you. I know that in time to come we will have meaningful discussion searching both of our feeling and having a greater understanding of one another.
Dad I love you. I care for you. There is no way in the world I am writing this to you to hurt you. You are my daddy and wish that you always will be. I know that I am not the man you wanted me to be, but I hope I am a child you can be proud of.
With all my love,
-Nikki
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A Clean slate for a new begining
Everyone in some form or another comes from a dysfunctional family. However, it is important that everyone keeps their priorities straight and not allow relationships to fizzle out and fade away.
I have a little sister. Throughout adolescence going into early adult hood, we had suffer from not being a close family. There was a huge separation between my mother, sister and I. It was not until my sister had a baby that we would start to come together. At the time of us coming together, the holidays were upon us. This was great because it had made a great catalyst for us to come together. While everything seemed to have gone smoothly my mother and sister had a falling out. This was right after Christmas. My mother was the one to set it off. The thing is about mom, she can be really head strong and quite stubborn. She hardly knows how to lay off. My sister had enough of my mother. What completely sucked was that my mom was the one to bring us together. She wanted to she the baby and be "grandma". I figured that I could that get closer to my sister and my nephew (he is adorable). I live with my mom, so when the fall out happened, I felt the bridge between my sister and I had collapsed.
Over the months I may have seen my sister in a store and I would walk completely past her. I was so afraid to speak to her. My sister and I have had a rocky relationship in the past and believe it or not I only speak with a few members of my family. Today I see my sister walk in up to the customer service desk with her boyfriend and child at work. Once again, I had not acknowledged her existence. I was due for a break, so I went. The entire time I felt like a coward and an awful older sibling. "I should talk to her and see what happens" is what I'm thinking to myself. When my break was over I saw my sister. She saw me and in return rolled her eyes. I don't blame her. I have ignored her and she probably thought I had taken mom's side in their argument. No matter what, I thought to myself, I have to speak to my sister. I went up to her and offered my most sincere and deepest apologies. I explained that I had not spoken or had even said hi to her out of fear of rejection. Once I got her attention, she was more than willing to hear what I had to say. Let me tell all of you out there, I nearly cried. To much time had past by with us not speaking and all for stupid reasons. I was kissing and holding my beautiful nephew. He is so cute and sweet and I want my sister and him in my life. I told my sister that.
She is going to Florida for a week for vacation. However, I have her number. When she comes back she will hear from me. I am writing this because we can not hold stupid and illogical grudges against one another. We miss out on to much and have too far little experiences. I do not want to live with regrets. If I can be open minded to change my gender, I can most certainly dust off old relationships and build a better future.
-Nikki
I have a little sister. Throughout adolescence going into early adult hood, we had suffer from not being a close family. There was a huge separation between my mother, sister and I. It was not until my sister had a baby that we would start to come together. At the time of us coming together, the holidays were upon us. This was great because it had made a great catalyst for us to come together. While everything seemed to have gone smoothly my mother and sister had a falling out. This was right after Christmas. My mother was the one to set it off. The thing is about mom, she can be really head strong and quite stubborn. She hardly knows how to lay off. My sister had enough of my mother. What completely sucked was that my mom was the one to bring us together. She wanted to she the baby and be "grandma". I figured that I could that get closer to my sister and my nephew (he is adorable). I live with my mom, so when the fall out happened, I felt the bridge between my sister and I had collapsed.
Over the months I may have seen my sister in a store and I would walk completely past her. I was so afraid to speak to her. My sister and I have had a rocky relationship in the past and believe it or not I only speak with a few members of my family. Today I see my sister walk in up to the customer service desk with her boyfriend and child at work. Once again, I had not acknowledged her existence. I was due for a break, so I went. The entire time I felt like a coward and an awful older sibling. "I should talk to her and see what happens" is what I'm thinking to myself. When my break was over I saw my sister. She saw me and in return rolled her eyes. I don't blame her. I have ignored her and she probably thought I had taken mom's side in their argument. No matter what, I thought to myself, I have to speak to my sister. I went up to her and offered my most sincere and deepest apologies. I explained that I had not spoken or had even said hi to her out of fear of rejection. Once I got her attention, she was more than willing to hear what I had to say. Let me tell all of you out there, I nearly cried. To much time had past by with us not speaking and all for stupid reasons. I was kissing and holding my beautiful nephew. He is so cute and sweet and I want my sister and him in my life. I told my sister that.
She is going to Florida for a week for vacation. However, I have her number. When she comes back she will hear from me. I am writing this because we can not hold stupid and illogical grudges against one another. We miss out on to much and have too far little experiences. I do not want to live with regrets. If I can be open minded to change my gender, I can most certainly dust off old relationships and build a better future.
-Nikki
Sunday, February 22, 2009
I am most defiantly full time now. I wear full eye make up and present as female. Some see me as a girl, some don't and others don't know what to make of me. However, I have only been on hormones for four months. I cannot expect to much too son.
At work I have been coming out more and more. If a situation arises as to my presentation, I am honest as to who and what I am. Not just because it is obvious that I am different then how they had seen before, but because I want people to get my gender right.
-Nikki
At work I have been coming out more and more. If a situation arises as to my presentation, I am honest as to who and what I am. Not just because it is obvious that I am different then how they had seen before, but because I want people to get my gender right.
-Nikki
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Nikki's Update
Hello everyone. I hope everyone who follows my blogs is doing fine and well. I've been doing just fine. For the past three to fours weeks I have been getting my laser done in the city. There is a company called Hollywood Way located 33rd street and Broadway. I really like the gentleman there that works on me. He is just so sincere to me and treats me well. His name is Bob. Bob is a gay man and very trans friendly. A lot of my friends go to him and they are doing great. The sessions themselves have been going well.
I have completed three whole months on HRT. Things seem to be going well. I can actually feel a softness in my skin. My friends say they can already see a difference in my face. I don't see it as much, but then again aren't we all deceived by the reflection that looks back at us in the mirror. I feel good and healthy and am glad that I am moving along in my transition.
Tomorrow I am going to get my eyebrows done. I have never had them done before, so I am a little nervous. I just want them to turn out right. I am looking for a nice, feminine, natural look. I'm excited and I can't wait.
Much love to all my trans brothers and sisters,
-Nikki ^_^
I have completed three whole months on HRT. Things seem to be going well. I can actually feel a softness in my skin. My friends say they can already see a difference in my face. I don't see it as much, but then again aren't we all deceived by the reflection that looks back at us in the mirror. I feel good and healthy and am glad that I am moving along in my transition.
Tomorrow I am going to get my eyebrows done. I have never had them done before, so I am a little nervous. I just want them to turn out right. I am looking for a nice, feminine, natural look. I'm excited and I can't wait.
Much love to all my trans brothers and sisters,
-Nikki ^_^
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