Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but life sometimes demands more of your attention. Lately I have been pondering coming out to my father. He lives in North Carolina, so there is no way that he knows I live full time as a woman. I speak to him every week, but I am not comfortable speaking to him about my gender identity over the phone. I have made up my mind to write a letter and send it instead. The letter I wrote is the one I would like to share on this blog. Let me know what you think.
Dear Father,
Over the last few years, you and I have been able to build a relationship that is stronger then ever. As time goes on, I would like to maintain our relationship and even make it stronger. However, in order to do that I must be completely open and honest with you.
As you know for years I have struggled. I have struggled with myself and the world around me. This world can be hard because it does not open itself to different varieties of people. I had a hard time adjusting to society from childhood into becoming an adult. I could never figure out why I felt so out of place. It wasn’t until I became older that I was able to place the pieces of my life together. I had done much needed research on the internet, spoke with doctors and have been to group therapy for a long time to find out the means to my dilemma.
For a long time I have been unhappy. I could never come to grips why. From depression to self hatred, I felt sad in both mind and body. It has come to a point where I can't go on living a lie and suppressing my feelings. Dad, I love you very much and I feel it is time for me to express this secret that I have been keeping from you for a long time. Dad, I have GID, Gender Identity Disorder. What this mean is that at birth I was assigned male, however, I really have the brain and gender identity of a female. I am what you would call a transgender person. There is much dissatisfaction that I have with the male role and identity. Being in such a role causes me great pain and suffering both socially and as an individual. Never have I liked being a man. It is so heart breaking. When I was trying to be a "manly man", my trans issues would hit me twice as hard. I am writing this because this is an issue that must be handled delicately. Coming out in a letter can give you and me the space that we need, so that way we can come together with clear and calm attitudes in mind.
I have had great experiences becoming socially integrated into the transgender community. For me, befriending and getting to know other trans women has been so heart warming for me. I have been going to the city now for over a year now. Doing so has been the most wonderful thing I have ever done.
Please father, I beg you not to be disappointed in me. What I have gone through in the past and what I am going through now is nobody’s fault. I am not transgender because I lacked a male role model. There was nothing wrong with the way I was brought up. I was born with a condition that took years to come to terms with and understand.
I hope in communicating this issue to you that we can become closer and not distant. In writing this I wish for our love to grow stronger and not fade away. Understand that I must self actualize the woman that I am inside. I am sure that if you search your feelings you would not be too surprised as to what I am communicating to you.
Coming out is so very hard for me. However, no matter how difficult it may be on me, I am sure it is just mind boggling for you. When I came into this world there was already a set mind set as to how I would be a boy that would develop into a man and all of the strict gender guidelines that follow suit. It is very understandable how this coming out may upset you and/or even anger you. I know that in time to come we will have meaningful discussion searching both of our feeling and having a greater understanding of one another.
Dad I love you. I care for you. There is no way in the world I am writing this to you to hurt you. You are my daddy and wish that you always will be. I know that I am not the man you wanted me to be, but I hope I am a child you can be proud of.
With all my love,
-Nikki
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A Clean slate for a new begining
Everyone in some form or another comes from a dysfunctional family. However, it is important that everyone keeps their priorities straight and not allow relationships to fizzle out and fade away.
I have a little sister. Throughout adolescence going into early adult hood, we had suffer from not being a close family. There was a huge separation between my mother, sister and I. It was not until my sister had a baby that we would start to come together. At the time of us coming together, the holidays were upon us. This was great because it had made a great catalyst for us to come together. While everything seemed to have gone smoothly my mother and sister had a falling out. This was right after Christmas. My mother was the one to set it off. The thing is about mom, she can be really head strong and quite stubborn. She hardly knows how to lay off. My sister had enough of my mother. What completely sucked was that my mom was the one to bring us together. She wanted to she the baby and be "grandma". I figured that I could that get closer to my sister and my nephew (he is adorable). I live with my mom, so when the fall out happened, I felt the bridge between my sister and I had collapsed.
Over the months I may have seen my sister in a store and I would walk completely past her. I was so afraid to speak to her. My sister and I have had a rocky relationship in the past and believe it or not I only speak with a few members of my family. Today I see my sister walk in up to the customer service desk with her boyfriend and child at work. Once again, I had not acknowledged her existence. I was due for a break, so I went. The entire time I felt like a coward and an awful older sibling. "I should talk to her and see what happens" is what I'm thinking to myself. When my break was over I saw my sister. She saw me and in return rolled her eyes. I don't blame her. I have ignored her and she probably thought I had taken mom's side in their argument. No matter what, I thought to myself, I have to speak to my sister. I went up to her and offered my most sincere and deepest apologies. I explained that I had not spoken or had even said hi to her out of fear of rejection. Once I got her attention, she was more than willing to hear what I had to say. Let me tell all of you out there, I nearly cried. To much time had past by with us not speaking and all for stupid reasons. I was kissing and holding my beautiful nephew. He is so cute and sweet and I want my sister and him in my life. I told my sister that.
She is going to Florida for a week for vacation. However, I have her number. When she comes back she will hear from me. I am writing this because we can not hold stupid and illogical grudges against one another. We miss out on to much and have too far little experiences. I do not want to live with regrets. If I can be open minded to change my gender, I can most certainly dust off old relationships and build a better future.
-Nikki
I have a little sister. Throughout adolescence going into early adult hood, we had suffer from not being a close family. There was a huge separation between my mother, sister and I. It was not until my sister had a baby that we would start to come together. At the time of us coming together, the holidays were upon us. This was great because it had made a great catalyst for us to come together. While everything seemed to have gone smoothly my mother and sister had a falling out. This was right after Christmas. My mother was the one to set it off. The thing is about mom, she can be really head strong and quite stubborn. She hardly knows how to lay off. My sister had enough of my mother. What completely sucked was that my mom was the one to bring us together. She wanted to she the baby and be "grandma". I figured that I could that get closer to my sister and my nephew (he is adorable). I live with my mom, so when the fall out happened, I felt the bridge between my sister and I had collapsed.
Over the months I may have seen my sister in a store and I would walk completely past her. I was so afraid to speak to her. My sister and I have had a rocky relationship in the past and believe it or not I only speak with a few members of my family. Today I see my sister walk in up to the customer service desk with her boyfriend and child at work. Once again, I had not acknowledged her existence. I was due for a break, so I went. The entire time I felt like a coward and an awful older sibling. "I should talk to her and see what happens" is what I'm thinking to myself. When my break was over I saw my sister. She saw me and in return rolled her eyes. I don't blame her. I have ignored her and she probably thought I had taken mom's side in their argument. No matter what, I thought to myself, I have to speak to my sister. I went up to her and offered my most sincere and deepest apologies. I explained that I had not spoken or had even said hi to her out of fear of rejection. Once I got her attention, she was more than willing to hear what I had to say. Let me tell all of you out there, I nearly cried. To much time had past by with us not speaking and all for stupid reasons. I was kissing and holding my beautiful nephew. He is so cute and sweet and I want my sister and him in my life. I told my sister that.
She is going to Florida for a week for vacation. However, I have her number. When she comes back she will hear from me. I am writing this because we can not hold stupid and illogical grudges against one another. We miss out on to much and have too far little experiences. I do not want to live with regrets. If I can be open minded to change my gender, I can most certainly dust off old relationships and build a better future.
-Nikki
Sunday, February 22, 2009
I am most defiantly full time now. I wear full eye make up and present as female. Some see me as a girl, some don't and others don't know what to make of me. However, I have only been on hormones for four months. I cannot expect to much too son.
At work I have been coming out more and more. If a situation arises as to my presentation, I am honest as to who and what I am. Not just because it is obvious that I am different then how they had seen before, but because I want people to get my gender right.
-Nikki
At work I have been coming out more and more. If a situation arises as to my presentation, I am honest as to who and what I am. Not just because it is obvious that I am different then how they had seen before, but because I want people to get my gender right.
-Nikki
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Nikki's Update
Hello everyone. I hope everyone who follows my blogs is doing fine and well. I've been doing just fine. For the past three to fours weeks I have been getting my laser done in the city. There is a company called Hollywood Way located 33rd street and Broadway. I really like the gentleman there that works on me. He is just so sincere to me and treats me well. His name is Bob. Bob is a gay man and very trans friendly. A lot of my friends go to him and they are doing great. The sessions themselves have been going well.
I have completed three whole months on HRT. Things seem to be going well. I can actually feel a softness in my skin. My friends say they can already see a difference in my face. I don't see it as much, but then again aren't we all deceived by the reflection that looks back at us in the mirror. I feel good and healthy and am glad that I am moving along in my transition.
Tomorrow I am going to get my eyebrows done. I have never had them done before, so I am a little nervous. I just want them to turn out right. I am looking for a nice, feminine, natural look. I'm excited and I can't wait.
Much love to all my trans brothers and sisters,
-Nikki ^_^
I have completed three whole months on HRT. Things seem to be going well. I can actually feel a softness in my skin. My friends say they can already see a difference in my face. I don't see it as much, but then again aren't we all deceived by the reflection that looks back at us in the mirror. I feel good and healthy and am glad that I am moving along in my transition.
Tomorrow I am going to get my eyebrows done. I have never had them done before, so I am a little nervous. I just want them to turn out right. I am looking for a nice, feminine, natural look. I'm excited and I can't wait.
Much love to all my trans brothers and sisters,
-Nikki ^_^
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Path to Realization
There is a good reason why I started a diary and write write web blogs. I do it so that one day I can look back and understand where it is that I came from. It is important to me and I feel it will be valuable to me in the future.
Many things have happened to me due to me not understanding myself and my circumstances. I had no idea I was trans growing up. Because of that I suffered greatly as a teenager. In high school I was old enough to be daring enough to present myself more loudly. I wore lipstick and makeup, nail polish of all colors and I created my own clothing. It was like as if my subconscious was screaming at me as to who I really am, but it never clicked. My lack of answers and self awareness headed to troubled relationships at home.
My mother had certain gender expectations of me the same as any mother would of any "son". You know the expectations- clean and short hair cut, big and strong. Lets just say that I was a major disappointment. I was constantly questioned about the things I was doing. "You need to get a hair cut! Why do you look like that?" At the time my mother was coming down on me. My grades were slipping and my family was falling apart. School, family and gender issues would spiral me into a depression and I would become suicidal. It took a few years to recover and get use to living life again. I did not finish recovery until I realized and faced my gender issues.
On my path to achieving my associates degree in business I tried to "clean up" my act as far as being gender appropriate is concerned. When you look like an oddity, people might not take you seriously. I didn't want to be misjudged by my professors, so I tried to be a normal boy. I never had this "boy/girl" identity until I actually tried to be one of the two. When I was trying to be society's "boy", it felt so wrong. Not to mention, I did things like wearing fish nets and nail polish all over again. It was like a gender relapse for me. I would discover my true nature in depth with thanks to anime and the internet.
I love many things in this world. Anime and the internet are amongst the many things that I like. I believe I have discussed this once before, but there was this anime on the net that I called Kashimashi. I've seen shoujo ai anime (girl on girl relationships) before, but this one dealt with both gender and sexuality all in one. In short, a boy had become a girl and that girl was in a love triangle with two other girls.The show was twelve episodes long and by the end of the series I was totally enlightened. I was like "That's me! That's me!!!" I couldn't believe it. In using the internet I would investigate the issues of gender. What is gender? What is transgender? How does this all relate to me?
After reading and watching everything on the topic of transgender I looked to the city to get in touch with the community. There is this place on 13th street on 7th ave. The Center brings together the biggest group pf transgender people to come together. The support groups that are hosted there are great. Afterwards, everyone goes out and talk over dinner. Its a fantastic time had by all. I received so much information from everyone.
I have been going to the city now for over a year. Now transitioning, I look to others in different as my needs change. This is an important, precious time right now. Girls usually start puberty in their teens. I'm going through my second puberty in my 20's. This is the time when I come to explore and self actualize the woman that I am. It had taken me such a long time to get to this point. However, I am here, I am alive. For the first time, I can be excited about my life.
-Nikki
Many things have happened to me due to me not understanding myself and my circumstances. I had no idea I was trans growing up. Because of that I suffered greatly as a teenager. In high school I was old enough to be daring enough to present myself more loudly. I wore lipstick and makeup, nail polish of all colors and I created my own clothing. It was like as if my subconscious was screaming at me as to who I really am, but it never clicked. My lack of answers and self awareness headed to troubled relationships at home.
My mother had certain gender expectations of me the same as any mother would of any "son". You know the expectations- clean and short hair cut, big and strong. Lets just say that I was a major disappointment. I was constantly questioned about the things I was doing. "You need to get a hair cut! Why do you look like that?" At the time my mother was coming down on me. My grades were slipping and my family was falling apart. School, family and gender issues would spiral me into a depression and I would become suicidal. It took a few years to recover and get use to living life again. I did not finish recovery until I realized and faced my gender issues.
On my path to achieving my associates degree in business I tried to "clean up" my act as far as being gender appropriate is concerned. When you look like an oddity, people might not take you seriously. I didn't want to be misjudged by my professors, so I tried to be a normal boy. I never had this "boy/girl" identity until I actually tried to be one of the two. When I was trying to be society's "boy", it felt so wrong. Not to mention, I did things like wearing fish nets and nail polish all over again. It was like a gender relapse for me. I would discover my true nature in depth with thanks to anime and the internet.
I love many things in this world. Anime and the internet are amongst the many things that I like. I believe I have discussed this once before, but there was this anime on the net that I called Kashimashi. I've seen shoujo ai anime (girl on girl relationships) before, but this one dealt with both gender and sexuality all in one. In short, a boy had become a girl and that girl was in a love triangle with two other girls.The show was twelve episodes long and by the end of the series I was totally enlightened. I was like "That's me! That's me!!!" I couldn't believe it. In using the internet I would investigate the issues of gender. What is gender? What is transgender? How does this all relate to me?
After reading and watching everything on the topic of transgender I looked to the city to get in touch with the community. There is this place on 13th street on 7th ave. The Center brings together the biggest group pf transgender people to come together. The support groups that are hosted there are great. Afterwards, everyone goes out and talk over dinner. Its a fantastic time had by all. I received so much information from everyone.
I have been going to the city now for over a year. Now transitioning, I look to others in different as my needs change. This is an important, precious time right now. Girls usually start puberty in their teens. I'm going through my second puberty in my 20's. This is the time when I come to explore and self actualize the woman that I am. It had taken me such a long time to get to this point. However, I am here, I am alive. For the first time, I can be excited about my life.
-Nikki
Thursday, January 15, 2009
The path to hair removal
At this point I need to start to focus on an important area of my transition, facial hair removal. Because of my age. I don't have a lot of hair on my face. However, if the hair is removed (and it will be) there is no doubt that my face will have a cleaner and more feminine appearance.
I have a couple of leads, however, I have not followed up on them yet. There is one guy in New York City who has done laser and electrolysis work with trans people before. He may have even give discounts to trans people. There is also a place up by me. I don't mind going to the city for hair removal because for the most part I go every week.
An important topic when it comes to hair removal is cost. Also, how often do I need to go? If I get laser can I have less frequent sessions than electrolysis? Can I have just two sessions of laser per month? What will my monthly cost be? I will be seeking the answers to my questions relatively soon. Next week, I will be speaking with the gentleman in NYC for a consultation. I can't wait to see what he has to say.
-Nikki
I have a couple of leads, however, I have not followed up on them yet. There is one guy in New York City who has done laser and electrolysis work with trans people before. He may have even give discounts to trans people. There is also a place up by me. I don't mind going to the city for hair removal because for the most part I go every week.
An important topic when it comes to hair removal is cost. Also, how often do I need to go? If I get laser can I have less frequent sessions than electrolysis? Can I have just two sessions of laser per month? What will my monthly cost be? I will be seeking the answers to my questions relatively soon. Next week, I will be speaking with the gentleman in NYC for a consultation. I can't wait to see what he has to say.
-Nikki
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
One step closer
Mark your calenders folks. Saturday night I went to work dressed as a woman. I basically wore woman's pants, a hoody and a new necklace that I had just purchased. But no matter how simple the outfit was, my look was still drastically different from before. People had no idea how skinny I actually looked.
That night it had snowed. Business had slowed down to a crawl. Needless to say that it was my lucky night to be dressed to work.
The funny thing is I was stationed with someone to train on register. Since it was so slow we ended up talking. Believe it or not, I had come out to him during the conversation. It was great because he had known someone that was transgender as well.
The next day I wore the same thing. Even though I wore these clothes the night before, it was a totally different sensation now. The storm was over outside and it was a brand new day. People were everywhere. Saturday night was a nice way to start off. However, Sunday and on will be the real test of my inner strength.
That night it had snowed. Business had slowed down to a crawl. Needless to say that it was my lucky night to be dressed to work.
The funny thing is I was stationed with someone to train on register. Since it was so slow we ended up talking. Believe it or not, I had come out to him during the conversation. It was great because he had known someone that was transgender as well.
The next day I wore the same thing. Even though I wore these clothes the night before, it was a totally different sensation now. The storm was over outside and it was a brand new day. People were everywhere. Saturday night was a nice way to start off. However, Sunday and on will be the real test of my inner strength.
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