Nikki's T Journal

Not Exceptedy life I

2009-11-04T18:19:00.000-08:00

Just a while ago I was searching for a new place to live. In my search I had come across this place that suited my liking. It was a lovely family home. The house had excellent accommodations and I had fell in love with the place. In meeting the owners, there was a mutual feeling that we were all good people. However, they had no idea I was transgendered. My thinking was, it wouldn't matter if they didn't know. Little did I know, my way of thinking was incorrect.

Friends of mine would beg me to come out to these people. They didn't want to see me in a bad situation if they had found out I was transgender and didn't like it. Like the big girl I am ,I came to a decision and emailed the owner. My goal was to be open and honest with them. In my email I said:

"I eagerly await the day I move into your lovely home. There is such
excitement and real joy taking up residence at this location. As a
strong woman I have always been honest and up front with people that
would be apart of my life. I have a secret that I need to tell you in
order to have a health relationship with the tenents of the
residence. Kenshu, I just felt it would be fare to let you know that I
am a transgendered woman. I live and work fulltime as a woman with
legal documentation to prove it. I hope that my coming out does not
discourage you for excepting me as a tenent. However I feel that you
should know the complete and honest truth. If everything is fine I
would still love to start moving in thursday. Thank you for your time
hun."

I was so nervous. Everyone told me it would be alright, but I was still on pins and needles. Over and over again I would check my email untill finally he had responded back:

" Thank you for your sincerity. You are a very nice person. Last night I talked to the other members of the house. Unfortunately they did not feel comfortable with you moving in - especially the girl that would be sharing a room with you. I'm sorry about this. I hope this doesn't cause too much complication on your part. I'm sure you will be able to find another wonderful place to stay. Please take care~"

You wouldn't believe how devastated I was. At this point in my life I am so acclimated to living my life as a woman. Anywhere I walk I never receive any negative energy. I pass as a woman. I am very confident in myself. So when I was turned down for the place it struck a cord with me. Lets not forget that they wouldn't have known anything unless had said something. For the next four hours I was crying and horribly depressed. Finally I decided to go out that night to alleviate the pain of rejection.

I was with others trans girls feeling comforted. That night a friend of mine that had known of my sadness called me up. He had offered me a place to live. Not only was I feeling better, but there was a solution to my problem. Now I live with a family that excepts me for who and what I am. I guess the moral of the story is not to lower your head to people who don't except you for who you are, but to raise head up high and allow for people to recognize you as the person that you are.

-Nikki

Back from Academy

2009-07-19T17:54:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day at academy. All was very well. I do believe that I was one of the more skilled students in the class. This is pretty much exactly where I want to be. Of course my skills will need refining, however if someone comes into the groom shop with a dog for me to do I am confident the customer will be satisfied with the end result.

Tomorrow I begin work and am ready for it. In the beginning I will only have a few dogs a day to do. This limit will increase pertaining to how successful I am completing the dogs already assigned to me. All and all I am excited, over joyed and am well on my way. I hope all is well for all of you out there.

Thankfully,

-Nikki ^_^

V for Victory!

2009-07-11T15:20:00.000-07:00

I am on cloud nine right now. Yesterday I went into town to finally get my license and social security change (the name on it, not the number). It was so simple with no problems what so ever. The DMV would be my first pit stop. In total I was there maybe for ten minutes. There was no confusion on their part as to what I was doing. All I did was show them my court order and the rest was pie. My temporary license is in my possession. The actual card will take a couple of weeks to come in the mail. After that mission was complete my next stop would be social security.

The social security office was just a block away. I enter the building and find a room of people sitting in rows, almost like a classroom. It was a little intimidating. Everyone was waiting for their appointment, so the room was dead silent. It was so quiet you could whisper in you lowest voice and people would still hear you perfectly fine. As I was called to approach the window I had expressed that I needed a name change on my social security card. The lady who was servicing me asked if I was changing my name to my husband's name. All I did was slide the court order under the fiberglass and said I received this from the court. I was about to explain I was transgender, but before I could utter a syllible she stopped me after understanding my situation. Relief showered all over me at that point. In that circumstance I did not want to out myself to a whole room of people. The lady behind the counter informed me that the card will take one to two weeks to be mailed to me.

Friday was a day of triumph. It was a day of great joy and celebration. This was a step forward in my transition as well as my life. I have heard that name change is the most difficult part of transition. Well so far in my transition it was the hardest part for me. I will discuss with all my accounts of my name change. There is so much to be thankful of and I am truly thankful.

-Nikki ^_^

In Academy

2009-07-01T04:30:00.000-07:00

For a week and a half I have begun grooming academy. It has been excellent thus far. In my best efforts I am doing all that I can to learn as much as I can. My teacher notices and feels the passion that I possess. She likes my enthusiasm and that allows any teacher to give their best efforts to their students. I also have been living in a hotel. The room is paid for by Petsmart. It sure is nice to sleep in a real bed again. I don't have to share a bathroom, which is nice. After all, a girl can use her privacy ;).

Everything is going alright for me. I am in school, my transition is going well and I am so close to completely changing my name. Thank you everyone for your support.

With much love,

-Nikki

My Signed Petition

2009-06-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

OMG, today I totally called up the judge’s office in hopes of receiving information about my petition for a name change. I had been waiting for it for quite a while. After calling them I was informed that I should have received my signed petition already. They instructed me to go to the county clerks office to receive a copy of the signed petition. Absolutely no time was wasted on my part and I sprung into action to get that petition. Now that it is in my possession, I want to have it published in the newspaper asap. With some research on the internet I found a Journal News office in White Plain. it’s the newspaper that the court had ordered me to publish my name change in. Before leaving for school I would like to have this done. My social security will be changed afterward along with everything else. There is such a sense of urgency that I have right now to get these things done before I head off to grooming academy. Name and gender change is the biggest pain in the ass in regards to transition because they are core identity documents. This makes this process that much more important because the name and gender marker on them do not represent who I am anymore. I feel that my current legal identity that represents me is a misrepresentation. However, as I said before I am looking to have all of this changed.

-Nikki

On to Grooming Academy

2009-06-06T10:27:00.000-07:00

6/4/09

Today I have received some excellent news. My store manager has alerted me to a June grooming academy that I will be sent to. The school starts the twenty-second of this month. I will be staying in a hotel, paid for by the company of course. I am very excited. This is exactly what I wanted. Staying in a hotel will be so cool. The room will most likely be bigger than the room I am currently living in now. My store manager has done an excellent job in pulling through for me. Now I will get to live up to and exceed everyone’s expectations. As a groomer I plan for greatness ahead. My focus will be at an all time high so that way I may perform on a level that I consider satisfactory. So that is about it for now. I am totally hyped up for this opportunity. This is something I will make the most of. After this, no matter what, I will always strive obtain what will make me happy.

-Nikki

Building Blocks

2009-06-04T17:54:00.000-07:00

In all the years of my life thus far I have never been able to process, plan and look forward to the future. You can be unsure about so many things in life. However, to be unsure of yourself can leave someone handicapped when it comes to dealing with life. That is the way I felt before becoming self-aware. Now well into transition I can begin to assess what I can finally begin to do with my life.

As of now I am awaiting for my store manager to give me the news that as to when I will be attending grooming school. Becoming a groomer will be the first career that I have ever had. Before this point I could have never decided as to what I wanted to do. So much is changing in a short period of time. My name is in the process of being changed and I even have health issuance coverage for the first time in five years. I can only imagine what I will do once I receive grooming pay. With a high wage I can begin to explore different avenues such as savings, 401k plans, traveling, places to live and an improved social life. I am one motivated woman at this point in my life to achieving certain set goals that I have. As far as work is concerned, I am constantly working to improve upon my work performance. Its like as if I am not satisfied unless I challenge myself and exceed expectations.

The ideas that I have towards what I will do once I become a groomer are quite excited. However, I always plan and outline loosely as to what my goals will be. As I meet each task I dedicate myself to completing it 100 percent until I meet the next. Its only understandable that when push comes to shove that I would have to adapt to whatever little surprises may come my way. No matter what, as long as I steer back on the road to my original goal my thirst for success will be satisfied.

While I have all of these plans for when I become a groomer, my main objective is to become one of the top groomers there. I want my work to rated at the highest quality. All we can ask from ourselves is to do our best. However, my ultimate objective is to be the best. Until I am sent to school I will be observing the other groomers. I will be evaluating there speed and collective skills. My objective is to obtain everyone’s best qualities and make note of them. These qualities will be factored into my work performance. This will not just mean that I will simply copy everyone’s unique skills, but my goal will be to examine what makes them so good at what they do. When this is successfully done I will do all that I can to then improve upon them. Like I said, I want to become the absolute best at what I do. It can only improve my career, work performance and cash flow.

With all that is on my mind I still have my present goal marked out crystal clear. I must get to school and begin to learn the basics. There is no need in getting ahead of myself. However I will always keep in mind what I want the end result to be.

-Nikki

Doing ok

2009-05-14T15:25:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. I gotta say things have been rough, but I am getting through it ok. I have a cheap room to live in. The family that lives there is great. They have no problem with me being trans and they help me out alot. I should be sent out to grooming school by the end of this month. I can't wait to go to grooming school. My performance on the job is excellent and I am striving to be the best there. Just this past week I picked myself up an extra credit card to help me out. I'll see how things go transitioning from this month to the next. If everything runs smooth, I may get myself a laptop with the credit card. Lol this blog is actually being written from a public library. Just to let everyone know, I will post a blog about what specifically happened as far as getting kicked out and finding a place. I hope all is well with everyone here. Take care everyone. Much love.

-Nikki

Moving Out

2009-04-29T06:39:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. It would seem that life has different set of plans then I do. Actually, its my mother that has a different plan in mind. She is throwing me out of the house. This is the situation, my mother went into my room and saw that it was a mess. That and she saw the hormones on my desk and receipts of me going to NYC. She was not happy. I have 24 hours to leave. I just have to say I am worried, but I am calm for some stupid reason. In my estimation, the only reason why I think I am not losing my mind because I was already planning to move out... in the Fall. I really feel sorry for my mother for being this stupid. None of her children are going to be in her life. Why bother with her. She disrespects my status as a trans woman, she dominates conversation which makes it very difficult for personal expression and my mother is very close minded. I cannot deal with her any more. I didn't even bother to fight with her. So right now I am looking for cheap rents to help me get by.

I just want to let all of you know that I won't be on a computer for awhile. I will need to get my own computer, however, I don't know how soon I will be able to do this. I just hope that this calmness is not me being naive. I love everyone hear and as soon as I can I will post an update.

Love,

-Nikki

Kinda Scared

2009-04-23T18:57:00.000-07:00

Right now I am moving from Walmart to Petsmart. I am looking to become a pet groomer. Its not something I want to do for the rest of my life, but it can be the first step for me to become independent and move out of my mother's house. The relationship is sour between my mother and I and I need to leave. There is much fear that I have. If I don't do well enough for Petsmart to make me a groomer, then I will be screwed.

I start working at my new job tomorrow. My game plan is to pick up as much as I can quickly. I want to have a very impressive performance in the first two weeks of working there. I want to be sent to grooming school as soon as possible and in order to achieve this I must be flawless in the eyes of my employers.

New beginnings can be very scary. However, I will not have fear to deter me from my goals. I have trans friends that are going through all kinds of ordeals right now. Some are getting divorces, others are losing jobs and some do not currently have a job. I have seen that some things are working out for them. I just hope that I can say the same for myself

-Nikki

New Job. Parent Ordeals

2009-04-10T20:38:00.000-07:00

For a while I have been working at Walmart. The job came along at a great time. I needed to transition and in doing so I needed the money. Now another opportunity has come alone my way. Years ago I used to work at Petsmart. I was a bather of dogs there. They had an interest in hiring me again. Petsmart needs pet groomers and I felt that I could do well there. I filled out an application online so that I may have a chance in getting the job, of course. The company knows that I was transgender and they have no problem with it. I had already taken my drug test and I'm set to start working there the 24th of this month. Petsmart will have to train me as a bather for a couple of months. If I do well they will send me to school to be trained as a groomer. Its hard to find a job these days, so I'll take an opportunity if its available.

I worked at Macy's to have some pennies in my pocket during school. Walmart was a job that was necessary for me to begin my transition. Now I look to Petsmart to become a groomer to gain access to my independence. I want to move out of my parent's home. My mother hates that I go out with eye make up and dressed as who I am. I absolutely cannot stand how f#ching ignorant my mother is. My mother is a registered nurse for christ sake.

So... I finally heard from my father, who by the way lives in North Carolina. He called and I was on the phone with him for a half hour. It was the worst phone cal of my life. My father was disgusted. He said he that wants to put his foot in my ass. Trust me when I say that I had never heard someone use the "f" word some many times in one phone call before. The man was livid and on top of that he's religious. There is nothing quite like the ingredient of religion to fuel your hate. My dad said that god will hate me and that I will die young, followed by burning in hell. He told me that I am not a woman. "I don't care if you cut your dick off, you are a man," this is all in the words of my father. I don't understand religious people in the least. I write, which is in my opinion, was an expressive, informative, eloquent letter. The man calls me with a heart full of hate and a mouth chalk full of four letter words. Somewhere in the "conversation" dad says that I have to "give my life to god". I honestly do not get this. If life is a gift from god, why in the world would he want it back. That's like me buying someone a Christmas present and then taking the darn thing back.

My father wants me to "straighten up" (what does he think I'm doing, I'm transitioning duh). He will not except me as a woman, his child or what I am going through. So needless to say that I need to make decent money in order to move out and live on my own. Once I move out I can not come back home and there is no running to my father for help. I figure that he will disown me and that I won't want anything to do with my mother. Both of my parent feel that I am a waste of an investment and they should have had better. Becoming a groomer is not a perminant career choice, but it is one that can help me become more independant. Dispite what my father said I feel in many ways blessed. However the coming months will be hard. My father had called my mother (they never talk) and as I came home my mom told me that cannot wear my make up in her house. "You cannot live you life in my house, you need to move out and live it out there". I sure am glad that there are people like her in nursing (blah). Anyways, I'll keep the faith and hopefully with a smile.

-Nikki

Coming out letter to dad

2009-03-29T19:59:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but life sometimes demands more of your attention. Lately I have been pondering coming out to my father. He lives in North Carolina, so there is no way that he knows I live full time as a woman. I speak to him every week, but I am not comfortable speaking to him about my gender identity over the phone. I have made up my mind to write a letter and send it instead. The letter I wrote is the one I would like to share on this blog. Let me know what you think.

Dear Father,

Over the last few years, you and I have been able to build a relationship that is stronger then ever. As time goes on, I would like to maintain our relationship and even make it stronger. However, in order to do that I must be completely open and honest with you.
As you know for years I have struggled. I have struggled with myself and the world around me. This world can be hard because it does not open itself to different varieties of people. I had a hard time adjusting to society from childhood into becoming an adult. I could never figure out why I felt so out of place. It wasn’t until I became older that I was able to place the pieces of my life together. I had done much needed research on the internet, spoke with doctors and have been to group therapy for a long time to find out the means to my dilemma.
For a long time I have been unhappy. I could never come to grips why. From depression to self hatred, I felt sad in both mind and body. It has come to a point where I can't go on living a lie and suppressing my feelings. Dad, I love you very much and I feel it is time for me to express this secret that I have been keeping from you for a long time. Dad, I have GID, Gender Identity Disorder. What this mean is that at birth I was assigned male, however, I really have the brain and gender identity of a female. I am what you would call a transgender person. There is much dissatisfaction that I have with the male role and identity. Being in such a role causes me great pain and suffering both socially and as an individual. Never have I liked being a man. It is so heart breaking. When I was trying to be a "manly man", my trans issues would hit me twice as hard. I am writing this because this is an issue that must be handled delicately. Coming out in a letter can give you and me the space that we need, so that way we can come together with clear and calm attitudes in mind.
I have had great experiences becoming socially integrated into the transgender community. For me, befriending and getting to know other trans women has been so heart warming for me. I have been going to the city now for over a year now. Doing so has been the most wonderful thing I have ever done.
Please father, I beg you not to be disappointed in me. What I have gone through in the past and what I am going through now is nobody’s fault. I am not transgender because I lacked a male role model. There was nothing wrong with the way I was brought up. I was born with a condition that took years to come to terms with and understand.
I hope in communicating this issue to you that we can become closer and not distant. In writing this I wish for our love to grow stronger and not fade away. Understand that I must self actualize the woman that I am inside. I am sure that if you search your feelings you would not be too surprised as to what I am communicating to you.
Coming out is so very hard for me. However, no matter how difficult it may be on me, I am sure it is just mind boggling for you. When I came into this world there was already a set mind set as to how I would be a boy that would develop into a man and all of the strict gender guidelines that follow suit. It is very understandable how this coming out may upset you and/or even anger you. I know that in time to come we will have meaningful discussion searching both of our feeling and having a greater understanding of one another.
Dad I love you. I care for you. There is no way in the world I am writing this to you to hurt you. You are my daddy and wish that you always will be. I know that I am not the man you wanted me to be, but I hope I am a child you can be proud of.

With all my love,

-Nikki

A Clean slate for a new begining

2009-03-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

Everyone in some form or another comes from a dysfunctional family. However, it is important that everyone keeps their priorities straight and not allow relationships to fizzle out and fade away.

I have a little sister. Throughout adolescence going into early adult hood, we had suffer from not being a close family. There was a huge separation between my mother, sister and I. It was not until my sister had a baby that we would start to come together. At the time of us coming together, the holidays were upon us. This was great because it had made a great catalyst for us to come together. While everything seemed to have gone smoothly my mother and sister had a falling out. This was right after Christmas. My mother was the one to set it off. The thing is about mom, she can be really head strong and quite stubborn. She hardly knows how to lay off. My sister had enough of my mother. What completely sucked was that my mom was the one to bring us together. She wanted to she the baby and be "grandma". I figured that I could that get closer to my sister and my nephew (he is adorable). I live with my mom, so when the fall out happened, I felt the bridge between my sister and I had collapsed.

Over the months I may have seen my sister in a store and I would walk completely past her. I was so afraid to speak to her. My sister and I have had a rocky relationship in the past and believe it or not I only speak with a few members of my family. Today I see my sister walk in up to the customer service desk with her boyfriend and child at work. Once again, I had not acknowledged her existence. I was due for a break, so I went. The entire time I felt like a coward and an awful older sibling. "I should talk to her and see what happens" is what I'm thinking to myself. When my break was over I saw my sister. She saw me and in return rolled her eyes. I don't blame her. I have ignored her and she probably thought I had taken mom's side in their argument. No matter what, I thought to myself, I have to speak to my sister. I went up to her and offered my most sincere and deepest apologies. I explained that I had not spoken or had even said hi to her out of fear of rejection. Once I got her attention, she was more than willing to hear what I had to say. Let me tell all of you out there, I nearly cried. To much time had past by with us not speaking and all for stupid reasons. I was kissing and holding my beautiful nephew. He is so cute and sweet and I want my sister and him in my life. I told my sister that.

She is going to Florida for a week for vacation. However, I have her number. When she comes back she will hear from me. I am writing this because we can not hold stupid and illogical grudges against one another. We miss out on to much and have too far little experiences. I do not want to live with regrets. If I can be open minded to change my gender, I can most certainly dust off old relationships and build a better future.

-Nikki

2009-02-22T18:12:00.000-08:00

I am most defiantly full time now. I wear full eye make up and present as female. Some see me as a girl, some don't and others don't know what to make of me. However, I have only been on hormones for four months. I cannot expect to much too son.

At work I have been coming out more and more. If a situation arises as to my presentation, I am honest as to who and what I am. Not just because it is obvious that I am different then how they had seen before, but because I want people to get my gender right.

-Nikki

Nikki's Update

2009-02-05T19:08:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone. I hope everyone who follows my blogs is doing fine and well. I've been doing just fine. For the past three to fours weeks I have been getting my laser done in the city. There is a company called Hollywood Way located 33rd street and Broadway. I really like the gentleman there that works on me. He is just so sincere to me and treats me well. His name is Bob. Bob is a gay man and very trans friendly. A lot of my friends go to him and they are doing great. The sessions themselves have been going well.

I have completed three whole months on HRT. Things seem to be going well. I can actually feel a softness in my skin. My friends say they can already see a difference in my face. I don't see it as much, but then again aren't we all deceived by the reflection that looks back at us in the mirror. I feel good and healthy and am glad that I am moving along in my transition.

Tomorrow I am going to get my eyebrows done. I have never had them done before, so I am a little nervous. I just want them to turn out right. I am looking for a nice, feminine, natural look. I'm excited and I can't wait.

Much love to all my trans brothers and sisters,

-Nikki ^_^

Path to Realization

2009-01-22T21:06:00.000-08:00

There is a good reason why I started a diary and write write web blogs. I do it so that one day I can look back and understand where it is that I came from. It is important to me and I feel it will be valuable to me in the future.

Many things have happened to me due to me not understanding myself and my circumstances. I had no idea I was trans growing up. Because of that I suffered greatly as a teenager. In high school I was old enough to be daring enough to present myself more loudly. I wore lipstick and makeup, nail polish of all colors and I created my own clothing. It was like as if my subconscious was screaming at me as to who I really am, but it never clicked. My lack of answers and self awareness headed to troubled relationships at home.

My mother had certain gender expectations of me the same as any mother would of any "son". You know the expectations- clean and short hair cut, big and strong. Lets just say that I was a major disappointment. I was constantly questioned about the things I was doing. "You need to get a hair cut! Why do you look like that?" At the time my mother was coming down on me. My grades were slipping and my family was falling apart. School, family and gender issues would spiral me into a depression and I would become suicidal. It took a few years to recover and get use to living life again. I did not finish recovery until I realized and faced my gender issues.

On my path to achieving my associates degree in business I tried to "clean up" my act as far as being gender appropriate is concerned. When you look like an oddity, people might not take you seriously. I didn't want to be misjudged by my professors, so I tried to be a normal boy. I never had this "boy/girl" identity until I actually tried to be one of the two. When I was trying to be society's "boy", it felt so wrong. Not to mention, I did things like wearing fish nets and nail polish all over again. It was like a gender relapse for me. I would discover my true nature in depth with thanks to anime and the internet.

I love many things in this world. Anime and the internet are amongst the many things that I like. I believe I have discussed this once before, but there was this anime on the net that I called Kashimashi. I've seen shoujo ai anime (girl on girl relationships) before, but this one dealt with both gender and sexuality all in one. In short, a boy had become a girl and that girl was in a love triangle with two other girls.The show was twelve episodes long and by the end of the series I was totally enlightened. I was like "That's me! That's me!!!" I couldn't believe it. In using the internet I would investigate the issues of gender. What is gender? What is transgender? How does this all relate to me?

After reading and watching everything on the topic of transgender I looked to the city to get in touch with the community. There is this place on 13th street on 7th ave. The Center brings together the biggest group pf transgender people to come together. The support groups that are hosted there are great. Afterwards, everyone goes out and talk over dinner. Its a fantastic time had by all. I received so much information from everyone.

I have been going to the city now for over a year. Now transitioning, I look to others in different as my needs change. This is an important, precious time right now. Girls usually start puberty in their teens. I'm going through my second puberty in my 20's. This is the time when I come to explore and self actualize the woman that I am. It had taken me such a long time to get to this point. However, I am here, I am alive. For the first time, I can be excited about my life.

-Nikki

The path to hair removal

2009-01-15T21:20:00.000-08:00

At this point I need to start to focus on an important area of my transition, facial hair removal. Because of my age. I don't have a lot of hair on my face. However, if the hair is removed (and it will be) there is no doubt that my face will have a cleaner and more feminine appearance.

I have a couple of leads, however, I have not followed up on them yet. There is one guy in New York City who has done laser and electrolysis work with trans people before. He may have even give discounts to trans people. There is also a place up by me. I don't mind going to the city for hair removal because for the most part I go every week.

An important topic when it comes to hair removal is cost. Also, how often do I need to go? If I get laser can I have less frequent sessions than electrolysis? Can I have just two sessions of laser per month? What will my monthly cost be? I will be seeking the answers to my questions relatively soon. Next week, I will be speaking with the gentleman in NYC for a consultation. I can't wait to see what he has to say.

-Nikki

One step closer

2009-01-13T21:20:00.000-08:00

Mark your calenders folks. Saturday night I went to work dressed as a woman. I basically wore woman's pants, a hoody and a new necklace that I had just purchased. But no matter how simple the outfit was, my look was still drastically different from before. People had no idea how skinny I actually looked.

That night it had snowed. Business had slowed down to a crawl. Needless to say that it was my lucky night to be dressed to work.

The funny thing is I was stationed with someone to train on register. Since it was so slow we ended up talking. Believe it or not, I had come out to him during the conversation. It was great because he had known someone that was transgender as well.

The next day I wore the same thing. Even though I wore these clothes the night before, it was a totally different sensation now. The storm was over outside and it was a brand new day. People were everywhere. Saturday night was a nice way to start off. However, Sunday and on will be the real test of my inner strength.

Second post of the day!

2009-01-08T18:55:00.001-08:00

Ok, I just wanted to spread a little good news. This past week I went to the local mall. I wanted to go to Hot Topic. Usually I don't shop there, but I wanted a necklace/choker to wear. So I walk in and there is 50-75% off all items! What had happened is that Hot Topic is closing in that mall. The mall sucks over all and its getting no business at all. Oh well, it was great for me ^_^. Hot Topic has some pretty expensive stuff inside, its cool stuff, but expensive non the less. The great thing about this store is that you can look and examine anything and feel comfortable. So guess what I did? I bought all the women's clothing and items I wanted. I have bought several shirts and necklaces. It feels so good to treat yourself and save money while doing so. I went back today to get a few more things. I got some great thigh high stockings, make up and these knee high sneakers that are just gorgeous. Hell, I might even go back to save money on make up.

Events like this is so beneficial to my transition. I mean come on, you can never have enough clothing. I am glad that these deals came after the holidays. The holidays are so demanding and you have no time or money to focus on yourself. I am looking forward to increasing my wardrobe while dwindling down on the male wear. ^_^

-Nikki

Reaching for Joy

2009-01-08T18:39:00.000-08:00

Reaching out and exploring the trans community was one of the most enlightening things I have ever done. The euphoria I felt being amongst people freeing themselves from society's social limitations just leaves me in awe. For me identifying as trans meant being apart of a community that conservative capitalists wish to keep hidden and locked away. Trans people see the world from a much more broader perspective. Because of this, we are alleviated of the black and white cloak that hinders the vision of the rest of the world. Its funny. People in this world don't even realize how limited their world is.

Happy Holidays

2009-01-01T14:29:00.000-08:00

I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday and a happy New Year. ^_^

2008-12-22T23:06:00.000-08:00

Last Night before lying down for sleep I got a weird sensation. My hand had pressed up against my chest. It was sore at the tip. I was like "oh my god!" It was expected, I didn't expect it this soon though. I was on a half dose of hormones for a month. After receiving permission from my doctors I I went up to a full dose of hormones. It'll be two weeks that I have been on a half dose today.

The reason I am like "oh my god" is because this slight soreness means breast growth will probably be starting soon ^_^. I am always looking for what changes will occur.

When starting HRT, I felt things would take months to just get started. However, I think little bits here and there will come to my attention more sooner than later. To be honest, I am just taking everything in and enjoying the ride. ^_^

-Nikki

Come out part 2

2008-12-18T19:28:00.000-08:00

Now that I have come out to my mother I would like to have a discussion about transition and what it means to me. I need to express that I am on hormones. There is a need for me to discuss what I have done over the past year. She is not aware of me going to NYC to trans support groups.

Informing my mother that I am on hormones feels almost like a second coming out. Sure I came out, but I don't think it will settle in until it is known that I've already begun to take the first steps to transition. Surely there is much to be discussed. In fact, since my coming out nothing has been discussed at all.

I decided to come out around the holiday season because people can be a bit more light hearted and caught up in the holiday spirit. Another reason, in which I think is pretty cool, is to make sure I don't get any "man" items for Christmas. ^_^

A Bit Further Out

2008-12-09T22:04:00.000-08:00

Big news everyone. I came out to my mother. Tuesday afternoon I had a Callen Lorde appointment in the city. It would so hard for me to come out face to face, so instead I did it in the form of a letter. I left it in to the dining room table and left the house.

On the train to the city I received a call on my cell phone. Its my mother. I am frightened to death. In my thoughts, I begin thinking "Did I make a mistake? Oh my god why did I tell her? I didn't think she would read it this quickly!" Terrified, I ignored the call. My mother however did leave a message. I was reluctant at first, but decide to hear it out. I nearly cried to what I had heard. My mother had said that everything was ok. She knew for a long time that something was up with me and the possibility of me being transgender. Mom says that she was just waiting for me to come out. I couldn't believe it. I was truly lucky. Many trans folk are turned away and/or disowned. I am one of the lucky few that is excepted. We still haven't spoken face to face yet. She works nights so I'll see what happens. Yay I am out to my mom. ^_^

On a side note I received my blood work results from two weeks ago. Everything was fine. I was given the ok to move up to the full dose of hormones. I'll see how my body handles it. If I feel that it is to much to soon, I'll inform the doctors and readjust the HRT prescription. However, I began taking the full dose to day. I'll let everyone know how it feels as time goes on.

-Nikki

No escape

2008-11-29T18:46:00.000-08:00

You know how they say you can never escape your trans issues. Well, for some reason I was emotionally rocked at work. The store was very busy and hectic. A customer had come to me wishing to speak to the store manager. I made the request and in waiting I asked was there any major concern to be had. The customer complained how filthy the mens lavatory was. In all fairness, he was right. It was just disgusting in there.

The store manager finally arrives to have a word with the disgruntled customer. I'm not sure what happened, when the manager came back, (they both went to go check the bathroom out)he was upset and at the customer no less. Well to cut to the point, the CSM (Customer Service Manager) came to me saying that Derick and I have to clean the male bathroom. "What?! Why!? How come!?", I asked while very disappointed. She said, "Because your the only two MALES here." Don't get me wrong. I'm not out at work, but this struck my heart in such a painful way. On top of that, they where about to make me clean the bathroom. To bring the story up to speed, I found the housekeeper and informed him of the situation. However, for the rest of the night I was so upset. There where time I almost knew I was going to cry.

The whole thing is, I was referred to as male. It nearly crushed me. It's funny (actually, it isn't), I am starting to realize how bad my trans issues are. As I transition not only physically but mentally I discover more and more the depth of my trans status.

A Day of Rememberance

2008-11-20T18:12:00.000-08:00

Today is Transgender Day of Rememberance. We look back at those that have fallen, to those have been slain. In looking back, we remember. We remember the lives lives these people have lived and the lives that were taken away.

When I look around at the transgender community, I see great promise and advancement. However, on a day like today, I can see that we have so much further that we have to go.

I hope and dream that one day we won't have to look back on the passing year, counting the many unwarranted acts of violence on the transgender community.

Please click the link and view this beautiful video on youtube in honor of Transgender Day of Remembrance.

We Remember.

Went shopping! ^_^

2008-11-11T19:59:00.000-08:00

This actually wasn't a huge deal, but I had never had a real experience browsing and shopping for women's clothing. It can be nerve racking when you have never really, really shopped before. You feel so self conscious, always wondering who is going to stare or make funny faces at you.

I started my shopping venture at TJmaxx. It kinda sucked. I go in and I see just mostly women in the store. For the space that was provided there was a lot of people inside. The thing about the store is that there is a men's women's and children sections. The women's section is for the wives and the like to shop for themselves. Sections like the men's and children's are for wives and the like to shop for their significant others. I did not feel comfortable at all in there and I could not loosen up. People will look at like "what is this dude doing here".

Leaving the store and and going off into my car, I venture to find another place to explore my shopping ways. I'm driving around and I find a Kmart. I was like "kick ass". Going in I saw the store was not heavily populated. In fact, it was actually dead. This was great. I needed to go into a store and just try things on. It took me awhile, but I got my bearings and browsed heavily.

I walked out with quite a few items and with great relief. Having a feeling of success I can't help but feel happy. I ended up having a pretty good Veterans Day. ^_^

-Nikki

Lets get happy ^_^

2008-11-04T17:54:00.000-08:00

Digs and claws
Through the mounds of drama and despair
Searching for an answer unknown to me
Driven to elude my anguish
Fueled by passion for self fulfillment
I walk through to darken lonely tunnel
To be embraced by the light on the opposite end
When I am there
I will bath in its essence
And will truly...
Be happy

-Nikki

Yay!

2008-10-28T18:53:00.000-07:00

I've got it! My first hormone prescription was obtained today. My doctor saw me and spoke upon what the next 4 to 6 weeks will consist of. Future blood work will be taken in 4 weeks and my dose should increase (if all is well) in 6 weeks. I started taking them today. I was nervous when I took the estrogen and anti-androgen for the first time, but it was liberating to not let this huge needed step scare me off. So I'll see what happens over the next month.

Oh yeah Halloween is this Friday. I don't know what I am going to do. I may try to do something local, but I may go to the city. Tomorrow I think I am going to the trans support group in the city and celebrate with my trans sisters.

I thank you Alan and Lori for your for your best wishes on my past blog. ^_^

-Nikki

Tomorrow is the day

2008-10-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

I have a 3pm appointment with Dr. Swartz tomorrow. Hopefully I will receive clearance to begin HRT. Everyday has been just a count down to tomorrow. Its a big step. Its one that I cannot see avoiding. At this point in my life mentally and emotionally I dare to travel this road I'm on. This is one journey beginning of many as I live and experience life. I do not expect anything to get easier, not in the least. I seek what all trans folk seek, self fulfillment. I will update on my appointment as soon as possible. I'll cross my fingers. ^_^

-Nikki

A little down

2008-10-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was about to go out for the evening for my trannie outing in the city. Before I had left my mother had caught a glimpse of my outfit. I was wearing my hair in a French pony tail, capris and fishnet thigh highs underneath. She asked, "Why are you wearing that?" I just responded by saying"just because." She followed me to the mud room. I told her I would see her later. There was a pause, eventually I asked her, "What?" after she was standing there staring at me (that's friggin rude). She says, "did you remember to get the mail?" I admitted to her that I had simply forgot. My mother then pulled a mommy dearest on me and went off needlessly. "Your getting to old for me to remind you to get the mail. You're a MAN! You're a MAN! You're a MAN!" I actually felt my heart crack and break in two and the only thing I could think of was, "what a vindictive bitch." I got the mail and got the hell out of there with shattered pieces of my heart.

The rest of the night I was so quite. I didn't say a thing in the support group I attended for the feminine spectrum for transfolk. Later that night, we all want out to dinner. I couldn't get a word out. There were times I have gotten choked up. I cannot believe I allowed my mother's words to effect me the way that they did. I believe that she had said those things earlier to pick at me. That is so retarded since I am the only child of hers' that stands by her.

The people around me were able to hone into my saddened status. I was able to talk and open up. I never spoke about what was bothering me, but I was feeling better non the less. For future reference I am going to have to confront my mother. She had hurt and effected me in a way I hadn't experienced in a long time. One way or another her voice echoing "YOU'RE A MAN" has got to stop. I can't take it.

Thank you for reading. ^_^

-Nikki

On my way

2008-10-07T19:33:00.000-07:00

I went to Callen-Lorde today. Its a health clinic in NYC. They have great services for those who are transgender. I had to see one of their social workers. Its a requirement for those who want to begin HRT, for example me. The session only lasted about twenty minutes :p. Now I await my October 28th appointment. By the end of this month I should be on hormones. Is it not freaky that I begin transition in the month where Halloween rains supreme. I love Halloween. ^_^

-Nikki

Labels or Social Identities

2008-09-28T18:02:00.000-07:00

Growing up I never embraced labels or social identities. Now I know what some of you are thinking, "Nikki, hunny, of course you never embraced labels and identities growing up. Your trans!" However, not only do I not embrace labels and the like, I don't even recognize how they could've related to me. Once I hit junior year of high school, I dressed as I felt like. I was wearing arm warmers and fishnets all the way to my upper arms. There wasn't a day I didn't like to go without nail polish or lipstick. Never once did I stop to self examine myself. I traveled where my spirit wanted to. That was probably because it never found it's place of belonging and/or fulfillment.

My subconscious has lead me to trans issues in some very funny ways. I actually liked lesbian material before I started to realize what transgender was or even researched it. I would see lesbian and trans characters on television or film and would totally relate to them. I loved Shane's character on The L Word. She was just an androgynous bad ass and I loved her for it. Doors really started to blow open for me when I watched the Japanese anime Kashimashi. Not only did the show deal with gender, but it also dealt with lesbianism in addition. The main character, Hazumu, was a boy that became a girl and the show revolving around the love triangle that she is involved in. During the and after the show I was like "I am totally that girl!" (Only I could never be as fickle as her :p. If you don't know what I am talking about, check out the show ^_^.)

Then I would hit up youtube. I remember the two first vlogs I would check out. It was Erin's (Grishno) and Aire's. Their vlogs were chalk full of information and personal experiences. As I tune into even more vlogs I would being to relate all of this information to myself. This is where I have done a lot of soul searching and fully realize who I am.

"Wow", as I thought to myself. "This is what was up with me." All this time and I finally piece together the pieces of my puzzle. Transgender maybe looked down upon by society, but it suits me just fine. I am trans and am glad that I have that to embrace.

-Nikki

Erin's (Grishno) Channel

Aire's Channel

Nature Vs Nurture

2008-09-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

On youtube I have seen a few vlogs that discusses the subject nature vs nurture and how it relates to the trans community. I am so happy and proud to see that Sarah and Taryn reject this theory and I must say, I do as well.

Nature vs Nurture makes trans people out to be an environmental error and usually we are graded based upon society's empty values. Where is the pride in that? How can we bring validity in ourselves when our existents is tagged as a miss happening. I'm sure that trans people in the past had used this to displace the blame off of themselves and onto a disease. I respect and understand that as well to great extent. However, I am filled with so much pride and joy to be coming along at a time where trans people choose a position of strength rather then a rely on a mental disease to aid their existence on this world.

The world is cruel and unfair. Today I feel that trans people are growing stronger in heart and spirit. Dismissing nature vs nurture means that we take responsibility for who we are. Its means that we have to stand tall and possibly becoming more open to society's criticisms. However, I am sure that there is a self fulfillment that makes it all worth it.

Anyway, here is links to Sarah and and Taryn's youtube vids. They are just awesome and they helped in me deciding on writing this entry. ^_^

Taryn's vid

Sarah's three part vids

-Nicky ^_^

I need respect, not understanding.....as much

2008-09-21T18:52:00.000-07:00

There are thousands of different kinds of people in this world. Thousands of temperaments, personalities and cultural backgrounds. I think its fair to say that we all have our different points of view in life. While this may open opportunities to grow and learn from one another, it can be difficult to fully understand people that are different from us. A lot of times people do not except one another due to a lack of understanding of each other.

Do we really need to understand to except? I remember coming out to my friend explaining I was trans and he excepted me not because he understood me, but because he respected me. Oh yeah, respect. Something that people really lack for one another. That's what kills me about people are not very knowledgeable or ignorant. It doesn't come as a shock that ignorant people lack the mental capacity to understand others. When you add up that these people don't respect those they don't understand they often times will choose not to see you as human.

This what bugs me about these kinds of people. They believe that without there perfect understanding of you that you don't have the right to be seen as a person with dignity and pride. I don't know about other people, but I cannot allow these people to belittle me. Ignorant people can't fathom the limitations of the bi-gender world that we live in. They can't even understand how secluded they are in their in-closed world. I will NOT allow such people to verify my existence due to their lack of understanding. This is especially true when they have a complete lack of respect for me. I hope that people keep this in mind when they are judged or belittled because most of the time the one handing out garbage feels just as judged and belittled inside.

-Nicky